Today I woke up very dark and sad but I was able to push through, get up, shower, log in here, get the kids fed, get laundry done, get the kids fed again. I was pretty proud and felt very grateful the dark left me enough breathing room to participate in the world today.
So why do I feel so much sadder than I did this morning? I think it is because people who know me were expecting or assuming that since I was able to do things today, that meant I was feeling great. I wish that people who are in my life would not just care about how well I can fake how I'm feeling, or not care about how much I can get done. Seems as long as I can appear "normal" and ok, and as long as I can get a lot done, that seems to be all that matters to them. It hurts an awful lot.
I guess its hard for me to understand. I am trying to learn to think of myself as a good person. Trying to learn to like and then love myself. Trying to do that, while nobody who knows me cares about me…just cares about what I can get done and how well I can hide my problems. That doesnt seem like true love and caring to me. More like I am a rather big burden and my functional days are much needed relief to friends and family.
Maybe thats a truth I havent wanted to see? That I AM a burden? I dont have many. Two friends really. Thats it. Would it be better for them if I faded away? So they wouldnt have this burden? I know it wouldnt be better for me, but I also dont want to burden people I love and care about. This isnt their problem or their fight.
I really wish I could cry a little, get a little relief but this sadness is slightly deeper than tears. Thank you to any who listened.