I haven’t really written much concerning any issues I may have largely because my boyfriend and my relationship with him have been on the forefront of my mind. But tonight, I think I’ll take a little time to discuss them a bit because I’m feeling somewhat upset.

The earliest illness, if you will, that I think I developed was either Depression or Social Anxiety, maybe even Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I don’t really know honestly because I wasn’t properly treated until last year and wasn’t even aware that I was having anxiety attacks (or what they were for that matter) until I was 19 years of age. My homelife isn’t the best, it’s chock full of negativity and manipulation and fear. I don’t really feel like talking about that right now though, it’s too personal, so I’ll leave it at that. But by the time I was 13, I was most certainly depressed.

Besides my homelife kind of sucking, my life at school was just about as bad. I was harassed constantly because my neighbors are psychotic assholes who made it their only goal in life to ruin me and my family. Don’t ask, just know that they’re totally nuts and my parents didn’t want anything to do with them after they started playing head games with us and that pissed them off. -_-

I was called a dyke a lot even though I’ve never even been bi let alone gay. I guess not laying around automatically means that you bat for the other team… I heard some of the filthiest insults, things I’d never heard said outloud before. I mean, I was only 13, not 23…and I wasn’t raised to curse like a sailor so excuse me for being shocked.

By the time I finished 9th grade, I was a wreck. The bullying had been taken care of in 7th grade by my Dad who eventually took me out of class one day and refused to bring me back until the problem was solved saying that if it wasn’t solved quickly enough, he’d take legal action. The principal called my house no more than 10 minutes after I got home… It didn’t matter though because the damage had already been done. When I was 15, I stopped eating right. I felt fat and depressed so often times, I’d only munch on some chips and/or drink a bottle of water while everyone around me was eating pizza and mashed potatoes and french fries. I did it nearly all year long and my period began to slow and I was tired every single day. No amount of sleep could make up for the lack of nutrition.

After that, I transferred out and into a cyber school at age 16. From then on, I didn’t leave my house unless I was forced. I’d developed Social Anxiety and couldn’t stand being around other people. If I did happen to go somewhere, I always brought a jacket or sunglasses with me, they were like security blankets. And naturally, my oddities both worried and irritated my parents who just wanted me to go out with them for once. But it was nice to know that my Dad understood to some extent. There were times when he’d say something like, "I understand" and give me this look like he pitied me and, of course, as soon as he was out of sight, I’d break down crying.

I didn’t start to improve until I turned 18 and was told to get a job. I knew the day would eventually come when I’d have to leave my sanctuary to either go to college or get a job and I was frightened out of my mind. But somehow, I managed to fake happiness and normalcy well enough to get a few job offers. I didn’t go to college right away because I felt stupid. Cyber schooling was hard for me and I barely managed C’s in some of my classes. It didn’t help that I had started staying up all night and sleeping during the day to complete my work and mess around talking to people on different forums. It was the only sort of human contact that I had save for a few interactions with my parents here and there.

My first job lasted approximately four months, until one of my supervisers began harassing me and I quit. After that, I went to college because I’d had enough. I felt better than that, like I was too smart to be standing in a bright store all day long behind a register getting shit on not only by the public I was obliged to serve but also by some of my co-workers, people I had to work with every week. By this point in time, I’d met my future boyfriend, Alan, and he’d become something like my best friend. We talked for months and months on end.

We met online but then he moved to NY for school. 5 hours away from me, that was it. So my Dad took me to meet him at the insistance of his cousin who had met his wife of 5 years that way. If I was ever going to meet him, it’d naturally be safer to do so with my Dad and in public and so it happened…and I fell hard. So did he. I’ll never forget the way he looked when he saw me…it was something like this: O_O Just thinking about it makes me smile.

I moved to a school near him a few months later…but then he left the very day my classes began. Something bad happened and even though it’s been over a year since the incident…I still cry thinking about it. I’m bordering on tears now and I know it still bothers him, too. It was a stupid mistake but it changed our lives very drastically and is still effecting us today. Just a week ago the topic came up again…because he’s going to try to come back here…and I was watching him over webcam, watching him sit there on his bed, a new bed that it took his parents over a decade to buy him because they didn’t seem to care that he’s nearly 19 and was still sleeping in a bunk bed they’d gotten him when he was a kid…I watched him staring off into space and I could tell that he was bothered and it hurt me to see that he still felt bad. I hate when he feels bad.

Because of what happened, I basically broke down. I began having anxiety attacks and the only reason I ever came to know this was because some of the people around me were worried that I’d have…or had already had…an emotional breakdown and would cease to function properly. So, the day after this was determined, my RD walked me to counseling and introduced me to the counselor who was on crisis day at the time and after a while, I finally cracked and started talking. Because of this, I now know that I’ve been having anxiety attacks off and on since I was maybe 13. I also know that I’ve been exhibiting signs of having an anxiety disorder for a few years now, the biggest one being bruxism.

Since then, I’ve tried Lexapro as well as Citralopram but the latter only gave me weird dreams at night. I had to take it though, take it and fail it, before my insurance company would cover the Lexapro. I’d tried Zoloft before that for Depression, when I was 13 or 14, but it only lasted maybe a week before I quit. I didn’t like taking it from the start as I felt that my problem was my environment and not merely something chemical. I believed that the way I was being treated in school was the root of the problem but no one would listen. This time, though, I had no excuses. My anxiety attacks would last all day some days, they’d just come and go, come and go, come and go and sometimes they’d come for no real reason at all so the medications became a necessity instead of just an option.

I transferred schools again after that, this time to where my boyfriend had been. I knew that he wouldn’t be there, that he may never come back again, but I felt that I owed it to myself to go. It’s a good school, very challenging, but definitely what I had been looking for. Had it not been for him, I would never have had the courage to even leave my home state let alone go there and for that, I am definitely thankful.

It’s been nearly a year since I made the decision to risk everything and transfer here but I’m still kicking. Yeah, I withdrew from a class last quarter and effed this quarter up right and proper trying to find my place but whatever. I even flunked Programming my first quarter. I remember sitting there taking my final thinking, "I can’t do this, I can’t pass this. I’m not ready, I don’t deserve to pull through this one." I’d flunked the 2nd exam and needed to get an A on the final to even pass the class with a C so it was a long shot. Very long. Long enough that I quit. I told the TA that I didn’t feel I knew enough to continue onward and he smiled and said, "Now you get it. Now you get what a grade is." and shook my hand. I left, went straight to my adviser’s office, and changed my course schedule to remove Programming II and replace it with Programming I which hurt and I very clearly remember doubting my decision a few times but I went ahead with it anyways.

Then I went to visit my boyfriend over break and while I was there I got a call from my Dad. He said that he got something in the mail from my school stating that I’d passed Programming I with a C and that it was recommended that I take Programming 220a rather than 218 as it’s a slower course. I looked quite like how my boyfriend had the first day we met face to face. XD

My Professor had passed me! There was no way I earned a C, no way in the entire world and beyond. He’d passed me all on his own, bumped what had probably been an F clean up to a C. To this day I still feel grateful for that because I felt that it was his way of putting faith in me. I had flunked the second exam but by the third, I’d started actively visiting the TA for help and was able to learn what I’d missed the first time around. It wasn’t enough to pass the third exam because I was still a step behind but what I had failed to learn in Programming I is picked up in Programming 220a and I think he believed that I’d be better off moving forward. And you know what? I passed Programming 220a the following quarter.

Unfortunately, my luck ran out a few weeks ago and I’ve already flat out failed Programming 220b. I disliked the Professor’s teaching style and fell behind and was never able to recoup. But hey, I’m still here and I’ll be back next Fall when the Freshman retention rate is only like 60%, quite low. And even though I’m a Sophomore, I’m considered a Freshman here because I only came in with Liberal Arts credits so I’m in all Freshman classes which means I’m technically among the 60% that will return rather than the 40% that withdrew, dropped out, flunked out, or transferred. And all this…after having been bullied ruthlessly in middle school. After having taken a year off out of fear…after having lost precious time with my love, after all the medications, the fear, the doubt, the anxiety, the depression…and after having been told, straight to my face, that I was just a sheltered, quiet little country girl who couldn’t make it away from home in a big school and that I’d most certainly fail. I know there are people who still wish that I’d fail for various reasons…mainly jealously (a big eff you to the cuz!)…but I’m not going to so give it up, bitches.

As of right now, the biggest obstacles I have to face are learning to let go of the past and handle stress better. I also need to fix my back and neck which first requires that I know what’s wrong…so I’ll probably end up getting an MRI before long because the pain is getting worse. I can barely write it hurts so bad (so if there are any typos or misspellings or what have you in this post, just ignore them >.<). I also need to fix my schedule for next year as I, uh…don’t have one. -_- I’m changing majors. Instead of being in IT, I’m going to design my own major and focus in on Web Design. What this means is that I have to take an active role in choosing my classes which requires dedication and patience, two traits that can only look good to an employer. But it’s somewhat stressful since I’m having a difficult time choosing which classes I think will best benefit me so tomorrow, I’m going to have to give them a look over.

Ugh, I can’t take anymore. The front of my neck feels like it’s going numb while the right side is tense and the middle of my back, right between my shoulder blades, is burning and throbbing. I gotta take a bit of a break. 🙁