I’ve been doing a lot better than I was a year ago. That progress is real no matter how much my mind tries to diminish or deny it, but I still have a lot of work to do.

Recently I’ve started to fall back into some of my old bad habits. I’ve let my insecurity and paranoia creep back into my head, and I’ve lost some of the control over my emotions that I worked so hard to cultivate. I have been careless with my words and behaviors and a few times I’ve made others uncomfortable as a result.

It’s really hard not to see myself as a failure right now. Every mistake makes me feel disgusting, like I deserve to be discarded and abandoned. I want to connect with others and grow as a person but it feels like every step forward is followed by several steps back. I don’t want to be left behind, but if I keep screwing up I feel like I should be.

I want to be a good person. Sometimes I even think I might be but that never lasts long. Maybe there isn’t such a thing as a “good” or “bad” person but I feel like it’s something I need to aspire to regardless. Sometimes I look at myself and I see all the awful things I could do or be; I just don’t want to be someone that causes any more hurt. The world has enough of that. I’ve been trying to exercise compassion, both for others and myself, and it’s been really helpful. Seeing my pain as a reflection of other’s pain and vice versa makes it easier to see myself as a part of humanity rather than somehow rejected by it. I don’t think that is enough, but it’s something.

I’ve been wondering about maturity. What does it mean to become an adult? Or to be a fully realized person? I don’t believe that it’s something you simply arrive at, but there’s obviously a difference in how people act that characterizes them as being more or less mature. Growing up I was taught that maturity was essentially shutting off all your emotions and acting solely on logic, but I don’t really agree with that now. I think emotions are necessary for human experience and that, while some control is obviously important, I think learning to be conscious of your emotions is a much better approach than trying to distance yourself from them.

That is really hypocritical of me to say though, since I am constantly trying to distance myself from my emotions. I suppose I still act within that framework of denying and shutting off because of how I was taught, and it doesn’t help that I desperately want to be seen as mature. I sometimes feel like if I act mature or intelligent enough people will see me as someone worth their time, but just acting isn’t good enough is it? I don’t want to be fake, but when I try to be open and honest that seems to be when things usually go wrong.

It’s a bad cliché to say “be yourself” because every “self” is fluid and continually constructed, but I guess it matters who you’re creating it for. Perhaps “being mature” or “being yourself” has more to do with building your identity based on your values rather than building it for other people. But can you be sure which parts of yourself you’re building for what reason? Humans are masters of self-deception. Culture and society shape us in more ways than we can ever fully realize, so they will always be at least a part of the self. You can never fully disconnect your self from all external influences. There is no true individual.

We still have some degree of control over who we become, but even then it’s easy to just say you should build your self based on your values rather than for other people. It’s a lot harder when you’ve been isolated and alone for years or decades. It might just be my weakness of character, but I feel like I’d rather be someone else if it meant having real connections with others.

That’s the problem isn’t it? In order to have a real connection with someone you have to be authentic, but being authentic makes it a lot less likely that you’ll be able to forge a connection in the first place.

I suppose, like most things, it’s a bizarre balancing act that we all have to perform. It’s been said before that despite being primarily social animals, humans are absolutely atrocious at being social. It’s hard sometimes, but I think there’s still hope for us. I bought some new books that I’m really excited to read and I’m going to a concert next week, so things are looking up!

Sorry for the pointless rambling 😅 I’m a confused mess of a person but I’ve somehow made it this far, and if a ridiculous fool like me can get this far the rest of y’all have nothing to worry about! You’re all amazing! I am projecting the generalized feeling of compassion towards my abstract impression of the person reading this!