My birthday is on my mind. Not because i’m expecting anything big but the fact that I am spending this year on my birthday again alone. Don’t get me wrong I will have a cake, I will have songs sang to me. But lately the more time I spend alone the more I miss having someone to hold on too. I miss the normal feeling of reaching for someones hand to hold when i get embarrassed, I miss leaning over to kiss someone out of habit. I miss having someone who cares, thinks and talks to me because it is what they want to do. I’m lonely.
Lonely in a way that keeps me up at night. Sometimes I hold one of my 6 pillows to help me fall asleep. Lonely to the point that I buy candles that smells like a man to fill my room with a smell that will make me feel like i’m not sitting watching tv by myself. Lonely to the point that I am currently talking to four guys online and message each ones at different times when i feel like i need attention. Lonely to the point that I hate going home only to know that I will smoke a bowl of weed just to keep my brain from remembering that i am alone.
I want to care about someone again. i want to kiss someone everyday again. I want to see a mix of my laundry and their laundry again. I want to say “You pick the movie this time, while i make our snacks.” again. I want to stand in a grocery store carrying our things to the register holding hands smiling together again. I want to take care of someone when they are sick and unwell so they know they are vital to my life that they should get well faster again. I want the hugs from behind and the kiss me on my neck kind of love again. I want the “listen to this new song” in the car drive with me home again. I want the run my finger along your skin to make you shiver kind of love again. I want the look so deep in your eyes because i feel that safe kind of love again.
My chest is tight from typing this. My hands are shaking a bit. and when I think about all these things that I want I don’t have a face to pair it with. in my head I see me and the mans face an empty blob.