My birthday is on my mind. Not because i’m expecting anything big but the fact that I am spending this year on my birthday again alone. Don’t get me wrong I will have a cake, I will have songs sang to me. But lately the more time I spend alone the more I miss having someone to hold on too. I miss the normal feeling of reaching for someones hand to hold when i get embarrassed, I miss leaning over to kiss someone out of habit. I miss having someone who cares, thinks and talks to me because it is what they want to do. I’m lonely.

Lonely in a way that keeps me up at night. Sometimes I hold one of my 6 pillows to help me fall asleep. Lonely to the point that I buy candles that smells like a man to fill my room with a smell that will make me feel like i’m not sitting watching tv by myself. Lonely to the point that I am currently talking to four guys online and message each ones at different times when i feel like i need attention. Lonely to the point that I hate going home only to know that I will smoke a bowl of weed just to keep my brain from remembering that i am alone.

I want to care about someone again. i want to kiss someone everyday again. I want to see a mix of my laundry and their laundry again. I want to say “You pick the movie this time, while i make our snacks.” again. I want to stand in a grocery store carrying our things to the register holding hands smiling together again. I want to take care of someone when they are sick and unwell so they know they are vital to my life that they should get well faster again. I want the hugs from behind and the kiss me on my neck kind of love again. I want the “listen to this new song” in the car drive with me home again. I want the run my finger along your skin to make you shiver kind of love again. I want the look so deep in your eyes because i feel that safe kind of love again.

My chest is tight from typing this. My hands are shaking a bit. and when I think about all these things that I want I don’t have a face to pair it with. in my head I see me and the mans face an empty blob.

1 Comment
  1. jblitz59 8 months ago

    Sorry to hear what you are going through. Loneliness can be uncomfortable. I’ve felt it too. Even with my spouse some times.

    I can feel you though. You are not alone. Many feel the same way.

    I think being content in single as well as dating can be helpful. Keep observing your thoughts and wants to soften it a little. Master something with the extra time you may have, like piano or what not. Pursue your passions and you may meet another who also ha your passion. Clubs and other public things or online communities for each passion.

    Church for those who are religious is another great meeting place for those who want to meet others with their passion.

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