the past two days i wasnt able to get on to DT! It was sooo frustrating. I was sooo needing to come on here and i kept getting this damn error! It was like the site didnt even exist!  anywa I had breakdowns and stuff. I realized that depression cant be cured no matter how many success stories that I read. I just dont belive it because they dont write about what happesn after. they jsut write the good things or how they got over it. But iv been there and done that. I think that its here to stay and i have to learn to live with it. I found this one site that was promoting this pill that is supposed to make you feel better in 20 mins, its all natural and has cured depression. i want to belive it but its just so hard. 20 mins? rediculous if you ask me. People have written their testimonials bout success but what about after?! I guess im just being a pesimist? Or a realist? It just here to stay and I dont think that it will ever go away. im angry that i have it, and im angry because i cant do the things that i want to because i dont have control over my depression. its frieckn controlling me. the thing that i do is i do something feel better than i stop it and get worse again. 


I tried to break up with my gf last night. when she said fine i got insuch a suicidal mood and i couldnt understand why because thats what i wanted i wanted to be out of her life so i cant screw with her head any more and because i didnt want to be with someone that i couldnt have. but i still felt like killing myself. I dont know what is real, i dont know what feelings are real, i dont know if i want to leave her because of thedepresssion of if its really because i want to leave her. I guess if i have to ask myself that question it must be because of the depression. Life is just so jacked up right now. Its so jacked up and i feel that I have nothing and i want to have somehting to live for or have some kinda meaning in my life. Im going to try acupunture. sorry i cant finish this blog there is just so many things going on in  my head and i cant get them out right now.


when i watch tv i dont feel my feelings and i dont think in my head. I like that show "what i like about you" amanda bynes is in it. Its how i  feel that i should be living my life and i like to watch it so i can learn some good character traits from it. I dont want to be exactly like it but i admire some of the characters qualities. idk  just so many things in my head.


I increased my sam-e dosage today.



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