Still can't think today, when I do I fall apart. I only find solace in sleep; the deep, dark, dreamless kind. Whenever I think of you, hear your name, see the loss that surrounds so many of us, left us bereft and broken ~ the seemingly neverending tears brim over again, the outpouring of a ripped heart. My eyes are almost swollen shut with the torrent.
I need to clear my mind , cleanse my heart of the anger and deep bitterness at the truly unfair ending of your life. You deserved so much better , and I wish I knew how to have given that to you in some inexplicable way.
Truly I can't afford to do this grieving for my loss right now. We have a hurricane headed for us here on the east coast of Florida , and somehow I have to pull it together long enough to prepare… put up all the storm shutters , move everything indoors that could become projectiles, all of our beloved orchids and plants, and move everyone into the downstairs apartment, including our animal friends. It's not expected to hit until around 3 a.m. Monday morning~ but we will be in Atlanta until at least Sunday morning. It will be a 10 — 12 hour drive home. We may end up staying there if it hits sooner than the forecast foretells. These storms are so unpredictable, so wily and temperamental. I'm afraid ~ to be completely truthful; my mom will be here alone with the animals riding out the storm if we can't get back in time. I don't want her here by herself.
So now I need to be strong enough to go out and get supplies. Gallonsand gallons of drinking water , canned foods that are ready to eat ( I abhor Spam and it's counterparts ) , propane so that we can still grill some foods after the power goes down for days at a time. We may be stranded here by floodwaters again ~ just like last time. There was no yard, only an island with a house on it 3 feet from the deluge. Batteries , flashlights, candles aplenty, gasoline for the generator in hopes to keep the food cold enough that it won't spoil. A cooler to keep ice in to keep cold drinks for as long as possible ~ the heat is awful after the storm passes; so humid and hot, feeling like you could drown in the air and your own sweat. Plywood sheets to board up the other property my mom owns, nails and screws and prayers that the 20 year-old mobile home will withstand another hurricane. That place is my Mom's refuge if we lose this house to foreclosure . . . then what, if it is gone? What will she have left?
Damn you Jason! You're irresponsibility and irregard for those who love you have made it so much harder to do the right thing~ to choose which path is the correct one. Do we go with Dad to Atlanta to keep him from dying of a heart attack to move your lazy ass to the middle of the city while hurricane Isaac brews and builds and gains strength and momentum ? Or do we stay here to help my mom prepare , to help her get everything done to protect our home and everything we have, including her? There seems to be no right answer to this. I want so badly to scream at you now , being selfish enough to put us all in this position and predicament ~ but it would fall on deaf ears. I know that. . . you're 22 and the world revolves around you still. You haven't woken up yet and don't see what you are costing us all.
Maybe I should just haveAaron go up there to help Dad move Jason in. I think I may be needed here more. As much as I would like to see theGeorgia Aquarium , now doesn't look like a good time. I've begged Mom to come with us to Atlanta , our hotel room has 2 queen sized beds , she could easily share a bed with Zachary , and it would keep her out of harm's way. But she will have none of it. " I have to go to work Keya! " , she says to me. " I'll be fine here , I've been through enough storms to take care of myself. . . " , she says. But what about the tornadoes that rip through Mom ? The last hurricane spawned several dozen of them and ripped the roofs off the houses one street over. . . what if it's us this time?
I cannot change her mind. I cannot make her see reason. Sometimes I really believe that she has a death wish; and has since the day my step-Dad died. She refuses to live , she merely exists ~ just keeps breathing to survive.
I have to go , there's so much to do. Pray for us my friends. We are going to need it. I know I need to be positive, but given what's happened this week already , it's not there. Anxiety , depression , anger andloss are all I feel.
It may be a few days beforeyou hear from us again. When we lose power that will be it for up to a week, possibly more. I canonly hope that Isaac skirts by us, barely touching us with more than tropical force winds of 75-80 mph.