I am NOT going to force myself to take a job just because she and everyone else are pressuring me to work again and assuming I'm just not trying–I have a HISTORY of working hard–I've even worked TWO FREAKING jobs simaltaneuosly at two different times in my life at no one's urging to do so!!!!….So I don't have to question my willingness to work, and to work hard for that matter–and neither should they!!!…They want me to get a job already, huh?…I am NOT going to force myself to work someplace if I can sense depression and anxiety are going to overtake me AGAIN; I am NOT going to go through that hell again….

So fine, she doesn't have to help me with my rent–I'll scrape by somehow; whatever I have to do–I'll have to be aparment-bound for the most part(can't afford to be driving around any more than I have to with gas prices being what they are these days, right?), will get by on mostly TV dinners I suppose; will have to cut down substantially on doing things I enjoy like going to the movies and visiting friends whom live in the city–if not wipe all of that out completely, and will have to hope that being forced to be stuck in my apartment doesn't lead me down to another horrific bout of depression in and of itself…. and if I don't/can't scrape by, and it gets to the point that they're going to have to kick me out because I can't keep up with the rent?!?…Well, I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it, maybe even liteterally….

I'm also very angry at me with all of this, but no, not because that I'm in this predicament; not going to beat myself up over that kind of s!@t anymore….but angry that I don't have the apparent guts to call her myself and get the official word from her on why she's not going to help me anymore…even though I already know the reason why, I feel it's still somehow gutless of me to not discuss it with her…yeah, yeah, I know–I don't deal witb confrontations well, especially with her; well you know what??? I should LEARN to deal with them!…

Anger, so much anger with me lately; but that's fine-give me anger and resentment ANY DAY over feeling miserable and depressed; not saying anger and resentment are good qualities to have–far from it–but, yeah, if I HAVE to be stuck with any of those emotions–than yeah, I'll choose anger….Been a bad week: Earlier in the week, just after losing my best pair of sunglasses, I discover that I have locked myself out of my sister's house where I was dogsitting….That meant having to pay a locksmith $125 to get me inside….which, in turn means, there goes my "scalper savings", ie money I was going to use to attempt to buy a ticket from a scalper to see my beloved Missouri Tigers play tomorrow in one of the biggest games ever in their history since my friend is not going to have a ticket for me like he sometimes has…..but not now(yeah, you want to call that a misguided priority anyway with how much little income I have? You can do that, but also know this: attending games there is one of my favorite pastimes that I have been doing for some 20 years now, makes me feel happy when I go there, "rejuvenates me" and breathes life into my soul–no, no, not just the game, but everything about it: the roadtrip there and back from STL to Columbia; walking around the beautiful campus; the tailgating; having a good time being around friends, that gorgeous shining jewlel of a stadium–in other words, I see attending these games as VITAL to my mental health!..),and I suppose ESPECIALLY not now since I'm on my own paying my rent….so I'm angry about that now..and jealous(yeah, I know; jealousy another bad quality. I'm flawed–I ADMIT IT) that friends who used to laugh at me for years for being such a devoted fan back when the football program was miserable and losing games left and right and when I would show up to the stardium and practically have the whole place to myself–well. of course they got on the bandwagon when things started going good in recent years, and now they have comfortable enough lifestyles where they can afford season tickets and they go to all the games while I'm stuck at home if my freind doesn't have a ticket for me or I can't afford to scrape up enough $ to pay for a ticket myself….And I gave a freaking damn about this team way before they ever did…IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM FAIR–yeah, I know, LIFE isn't fair–so this is my kicking and screaming and pouting..hey, I'm just letting off steam here, okay?…I'm certainly NOT SAYING I'm right or hat it's admirable or mature to be having these kinds of feelings!…

Look. all I ask for is the stregnth to handle the adversity…all I ask for is that this doesn't send me spiraling downward into a whole new realm of depression and anxiety attacks…that's all I ask for….I hope that's not asking for too much…and if it is…well, hopefuly, I can do what I have to do to battle it, including getting the help of the often very kind and caring people on this site c to help me get through it…It can't send me down that path again…IT WON'T, even if it means being an angry @-hole to prevent it from happening….