i miss my mom,plain and simple right? wrong, there is so many emotions that run through my core every second since she passed away. my mom has a deeply complicated relationship with everyone of her kids for various of reasons.my mom was no saint and everyone knew that, but what they dont know and see is how much pain she was in on a daily bases and how the doctors never took her pain seriously and really help her, they just gave her pain pills and sent her on her way. i wish anyone besides me could truly see her struggled not just emotionally but mentally as well, you had demons from your past you couldnt defeats and it effected you in unpredictable ways leaving you broken.                                                                                                                    my mom was at my house 6 hours before she died, 6 hours. i showed her videos of her son which she hadnt seen in atleast 11 years, she cried tears of pain sorrow and happiness and pride for the man he has become, yet will never know. it was the same story with the other siblings, they hadnt seen my mom for years either, they couldnt get past her brokenness and the need to lick her wounds with liquor even though we each had our own way of licking our wounds. to me it didnt matter, her personal choice of how she silence her screaming monsters was her own business because she always showed up for my daughter. her 1st day of school, beach trips, teaching her how to plant flowers. she wasnt perfect but she tried really hard to make up for that through her grandbabbies.                                                                hours later i got a call that changed my life forever. my step dad hyperventilating in my ear, your mother went to the er and it doesnt look good. i dropped the phone and cried, because of covid no one not even my step father was allowed to be with her.                                                                                    after days of being in a medically induced coma no one had answers as to what was happening to my mom, only she was having seizures and she was intubated and in the neuro dept in the icu. they did do a covid test it was not that. in the course of the next 17 days my mom will be transferred 3 times and still no one could tell us what was wrong.  the last hospital was a god sent, she was transferred to one of the top learning hospital in the country. we finally were getting answers.                                           we learned that my mother had undiagnosed lupus, that cause a rash to form inside of her throat cause it to swell and cut off oxygen to her body and brain. with the lack of proper oxygen by time she got to the er she walked in said i cant do this and coded trying to hand over her ID. her throat was so swollen they had a hard time getting the breathing tub in, they were able to bring her back, and was placed in the coma. but by that time it was pretty much over for her.                                                                                                        hand in hand in hand, tears streaming down all of our faces, me and my siblings were able to go see my mom and tell them her final wish. that walk was the hardest walk ive ever taken, it felt like the oxygen was being pull from my body by some namless force, i couldnt catch my breath.as we turn the corner to my moms room we all lost our breath at the same time. there she was, a living corpse, only alive by grace of the machines. the doctors said she would never be a full person ever again, she would need 24 hour care and would be on the machines for life, the most she would ever do is trace us with her eyes. as we call her name softly her eyes flutter open, 1st to me then to my step dad and then to all my siblings, we stood around her crying telling her what was happening, i read her a letter i wrote to her, and a single tear fell from her eye, everyone took turn saying their peace and telling my mom she was forgiven for all the wrong choices that lead to our abuse as kids, we forgave her so she could go in peace, it was always something that weigh heavy on her heart. then she closed her eyes in acceptance, that was the last time she opened her eyes or acknowledge were there, an hour later we told the doctors we were ready to fulfill her final wishes.                                                 her breathing during the course of her final journey will haunt me forever, she sounded like she was drowning from the inside out, it was hard to stomach. all the while thinking im just giving up on my mom, im just letting her die, i was always my moms rock, yes i know it suppose to be the other way around, but i played my role she needed me to be, and it was her rock. how can i just let her die? is this really the right choice? is there really nothing else to be done? why did she make me promise her id never let her live like a machine? didnt she realies this is fucking hard to do, just let the person who gave birth to you just die. i feel like a glorified murderer. her words echoing out of my throat ended her life, how do i not feel like im killing my mom slowly, because thats what im doing. i wanted to scream.                                     

  we stood around my mom for 35 hours, singing her favorite songs to her painting her nails telling each other funny stories and stories of hurt and we hug and we healed and we grieved for her with her, it was a beautiful moment, she did what she always hoped to do;her last gift to us, she brought our family back together and healed us. after her journey was completed we walked back out of the hospital hand in hand in hand, tears still flowing, but together.


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