From blog written on 9/5/12: The person who usually helps me pay my rent–as my disability that I'm currently on is not quite enough to cover it with living expenses–I didn't hear from her today–this being the day rhe rent is due….So, this could be the beginning of a downward spiral that I was so fearful might occur if this were to ever happen….I'll elaborate more later….all I ask is for the strength to handle the adversity, for this to somehow not set me off into a whole new world of anxiety and depression….we shall see.

9/7/12 And,,,,still haven't heard from her….so looks like I'm on my own…guess I had this coming….my fault for not getting another job yet since I lost my previous one during the darkest days of my breakdown….So, went to the landlord yesterday, with only half my payment; told her I'd pay her the other half a week from Tuesday when I get my disability check…However, that will also mean an additional $125 in late fees that I will have to pay at that time….So….that will be a total of $760 I will have to pay…..subtract that from $884(amount I will get for disability); assuming I won't be getting the help with paying my rent any longer, that will leave a grand total of..(drumroll please:) $124 for me to survive on for the month!…Wonderful!…Now, I should say it could be a little more than that…MIGHT get an extra $100 from disability–as I was approved for "extra help" from them–something I had to apply for after they started automatically deducting $100 a month for Medicaid staring a couple of months ago; Extra Help means, among other things, I think, that I will get that $100 from them again–at least I think it will; I don't know, the whole thing confuses the hell out of me…..And there's the possibility that I might have a couple hundred dollars more if I manage to save a couple hundred bucks or so out of the few hundred dollars I currently have in my checking account(will depend on how much more this month I have to pay for bills, gas, etc)…So anyway, it might be a little more than $124…we'll see…

How am I feeling about all of this?… DIsappointed, of course…and angry…REALLY angry(which, actually, if I have to choose, I'll take feelingg angry over feeling depressed and/or extreme anxiety over the matter)…..

Angry that this person didn't bother to warn me ahead of time that she wasn't going to help me out with the rent anymore so I could have planned accordingly…angry that she must be assuming that since I've showed signs of being "better" in recent months that that must automatically mean that I'm okay enough to get a job, and if I haven't gotten one yet, it must mean that I'm not trying to….well guess what? It DOESN'T mean that I am better, or at least THAT MUCH better to go back to work!!!….I applied to places…and I could feel depression/anxiety wanting to surge over me JUST FROM TUNRING IN THE APPLICATIONS….I went to a volunteer orientation thing at the library–was going to try that..nevermind that it turned out to be something totally different than what they advertised it to be, but I felt depression/anxiety JUST BEING AT THAT ORIENTATION…so, based on these things, I unfortunately have no choice but to think, no, I'm NOT FREAKING READY to go back to work!!!!….I might be doing better with everything else–I don't lay in bed all day anymore; I keep myself busy–doing things again that I enjoyed doing that I had little or not interest in doing when the depression was at it's worst; I decided to go back to school(even though I'm beginning to be a little worried about that, of course!!! But I'll babble about that some other day); I'm exercising again for the first time in three years); but obviously, I am still NOT QUITE READY to go back to work, and I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE FREAKING PUNISHED FOR THAT, not looked at as some freaking "underachiever" who's just not making an effort to get a job…I HAD A FREAKING BREAKDOWN; I had to check into the hospital FOUR TIMES in a span of a year….Did I ask for that?!? Did I enjoy it?!?…Did I do it just for kicks?!?…HELL NO I DIDN'T….and if she,and anyone else, can't understand why I feel I need to be so careful if I'm going to work again–so careful to find just the right job that won't trigger a major depressivbe breakdown like I had at my previous job, well, than, what can I do except tp say to hell with them?!??…And just be perpetually pissed off that they don't understand?!?….

Oh, am I not taking enough responsibility for myself on this?!?…Perhaps I'm not, but beating myself up over and over again throughout the years certainly didn't get me anywhere either….And yes, even though this is hard for me because of these [email protected]#ing demons of depression and anxiety that I have to endlessly battle, no, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try…And no one knows that I've also been going to a voc rehab counselor to try to find some way that we can get me back to work for a part-time job for now at least(that is assuming I haven't screwed THAT up; I missed my appointment to go there yesterday; called the voc rehab counselor and left a message on her vm that I wasn't going to be able to make it; told her I want to reschedule. Haven't heard back from her. Maybe she thinks that because I've rescheduled appointments with her a couple of times previously that I'm not really interested in their help.. That's certainly not the case…but maybe…she's making an assumption; maybe she's angry with me about the cancelation on such short notice; maybe she threw in the towel on me; well… I hope not, but I guess I have no one but myself to blame if that's the case…)


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