Dragged myself to party with Mags last night, so I wouldn’t be here, stewing. I had been marinating in my own misery all day, and it wasn’t going anywhere good, so, I went out. It was absurd. She didn’t know the address, and forgot to bring the little piece of paper it was written on. First, we went to the wrong party. We didn’t know this right away, because the wrong party was very welcoming of two strange chicks (who’d been drinking). When we figured it out, we left, and eventually found the right party. It wasn’t terribly rockin, but it passed the time. I stayed too long, and missed out on a half hour with Charlie (lame, since he would have been far better company than a party of obnoxious college kids).
Holidays are a lot different without heroin.
My personal life is still a labyrinth. And, sometimes, I feel like a wandering idiot.
It’s funny – when you numb yourself to a thing, or at least when I do, it’s not a conscious choice. It’s a reflex. A defense mechanism… I can’t do it purposefully any more than I can undo it, intentionally. Maybe, something will happen, eventually, and all that ice will just crack, and then, I’ll feel everything, all at once, and just go completely insane.
Or, maybe, I would just know what I was supposed to do with myself.
Maybe, that would seem like insanity. I could see myself making some pretty out there decisions. I usually do. I have always preferred the drastic and severe – life’s too short. I want to live as much of it, as fully as I can. I have already lost so much time.
I feel the itch for it, at times (like yesterday), and that’s bound to happen. It hasn’t been that long. But, I am still getting it done. And, I don’t intend to go back. Not today… and, today is all I really have to contend with. The past is gone, and the future doesn’t exist, yet. Right now, is really all we’ve got.
We really have to live in the moment. Not like we think we’re gonna die tomorrow, but think about it this way: if you kept a detailed diary, and you reread the tale of this day a year from now, what would you want to see there? Adventure? Something constructive? Maybe, you’d want to see yourself starting to do the things that really matter to you (in my situation that means pursuing my art, and getting my apartment, and life together).
I am trying, and I have made a great deal of progress. I know somedays will be empty, and basically crappy, like yesterday, but I intend to do all I can to stay productive, and combat the dark moods that occasionally descend upon me.
Hope you’re all doing well, and hanging in.