Feeling weary, right now…

things are peaceful with Charlie.  No more certain, but at least I got some confirmation of what I already thought was the case.  We’re just going to ride this out, and take care of each other, and try to laugh together, until we really know what’s doing.  Who knows how long that could take?

"They sat together in the park
As the evening sky grew dark,
She looked at him and he felt a spark tingle to his bones.
‘Twas then he felt alone and wished that he’d gone straight
And watched out for a simple twist of fate."

Ace is having serious issues.  I tried to help – probably just bored the sh*t out of him, repeating the same sh*t over, and over.

I can be redundant. 

Anyone who’s read my early blogs knows this well.  Even my pain is redundant.  My situation has been slowly but steadily improving.

"They walked along by the old canal
A little confused, I remember well
And stopped into a strange hotel with a neon burnin’ bright.
He felt the heat of the night hit him like a freight train
Moving with a simple twist of fate."

I met Ace through DT, and he has helped me more than I can possibly say.  I would either be dead (having offed myself), or (at the very least) still getting high, if I hadn’t met him.  He stood by me, making me laugh for hours on end, when all I wanted was to call my dealer, and get high.  He feels like his life is stagnent, and empty.  I told him that my life was completely empty, aside from the ugly stuff, when we were getting to know each other, and he was still able to convince me to fight.  He pulled me through the worst time – a critical time.  Everything was riding on it, and I made it through the hardest parts because of him.  I told him I’d get him through this, whatever it took.  And, I mean that.  He held me up, and wouldn’t give up on me, and I’m sure as sh*t not going to let him fall. 

"A saxophone someplace far off played
As she was walkin’ by the arcade.
As the light bust through a beat-up shade where he was wakin’ up,
She dropped a coin into the cup of a blind man at the gate
And forgot about a simple twist of fate."

Ace – if you’re reading this, it’s all going to be okay.  If I can get better, and stronger, anything is possible.  And, by pulling me out of that disaster, you saved someone who now has your back, eternally.  I was taping my sketches to my walls today, and tomorrow Mags and I will be mounting some of my photography on mat board.  My life is 100 percent different, and 100 percent better than it was before we met.  If you think I am going to let you go down in flames, right after you lifted me up, you’re very much mistaken.  I won’t let you get lost in your pain, the way I did, for seven years.  I will help you get through this.

"He woke up, the room was bare
He didn’t see her anywhere.
He told himself he didn’t care, pushed the window open wide,
Felt an emptiness inside to which he just could not relate
Brought on by a simple twist of fate."

In the meantime, I am crampy.  Had to call Jordan tonight and apologize for ignoring him the whole time he was here – I was talking on the pc, and eventually the phone, with Ace.  Jordan seemed to understand (he knows how much Ace has helped me, and without saying much about it, I did get across that Ace was in a sh*tty place, and needed me), and he was pretty preoccupied with this model he brought back from Europe, in any event.  He brought it back as a gift for me, and said we could assemble it together.  Then, he put it together himself, haha.  You’d think he would have just bought it for himself.

Steve Martin can really rock a banjo – who knew? 

"He hears the ticking of the clocks
And walks along with a parrot that talks,
Hunts her down by the waterfront docks where the sailers all come in.
Maybe she’ll pick him out again, how long must he wait
Once more for a simple twist of fate. "

It’s all going to be okay.  For my whole sad little crew…  I may not have it all figured out, yet, but I have yet to tell someone (at any time in my life) that I was going to get them through something, without successfully following through on that statement.  I’m going to keep beating this heroin thing.  And, while I’m doing that, I am going to help Ace, because he needs it, and deserves it.  And, because things are different, now.  I am stronger than I used to be, and I can be someone who’s there for him, now.  I can do that for the people I care about, now, and that’s pretty bad ass. 

"People tell me it’s a sin
To know and feel too much within.
I still believe she was my twin, but I lost the ring.
She was born in spring, but I was born too late
Blame it on a simple twist of fate." (Bob Dylan, "Simple Twist of Fate")