I don’t know why I keep writing these things.  I don’t know why I do anything, anymore.  It all feels so pointless.  It all seems so stupid, and worthless and I hate myself, right now.

I just want to die.  I made another stupid promise, and now, I am stuck honoring my word not to hurt myself.  I mean, if I actually killed myself, it’s not like I’d be here to catch any flack for having broken my word.

But, my word still matters to me.  Honor meant something to the people I grew up with – their lives may not have seemed honorable to outsiders, but my friends and I lived by a code.  By a spoken and unspoken set of rules that governed our lives more than any other set of principles…  these rules meant much more than the actual laws we were supposed to live by – it superceeded all other authority. 

I think I expect too much from some of the people I am close to – not all of them, just a few.  I expect them to know what to say , when I am hurting.  I expect them to help me, and sometimes they can’t.  I just want to kill myself.  I know this is short-sighted, and sickly thinking that is infltrating my brain, but I have been pretty close to surrender, lately.

I feel like I have so little left.  I look at my life, and all I see is chaos that I am not yet strong enough to make right.  Sadness and sickness define my existence, much of the day, and I feel so much pain.

Someone I am close to said some things that really hurt, recently – I am stll trying to get this shit out of my head.  It’s under my skin.  People say things that hurt, and I am crushed, even after I’ve forgiven them – the things that come out of their mouths create ongoing complexes in my head.

I feel so sick.  Trying….

 

1 Comment
  1. grouchy53 11 years ago

    although i cannot feel your pain…….i can empathyze….keep writing, get that crap out of your head…….and what people say? they just dont get it…….it hurts, and i cant tell you it stops hurting……but i have been trying to deal one day at a time after 30 years…..has it been easy? no…..have i had breaks? yes, not as many as i want, but am grateful when they come, and enjoy the heck out of them when they do come……..you can do it……i, for reals, know how hard it is……it is awful…..sometimes i wish i had a physical disease rather than this head malady…..please hang on…keep your promise to not hurt yourself…..keep it for you….you are worth it….grouchy (ted)

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