I made it to the parade.

It was an OCD nightmare and I got through it!

It was at the town green with a lot of people so I was dealing with some bizarre thoughts like "what if I scream bloody murder right now." But I ignored the thought. It was overwhelming seeing so many people. I went for a walk with my dad around the ground. It was nice to feel like I could roam and not feel trapped. I made sure to make eye contact with people and I even went up and bought a water from the ice cream truck.

These thoughts are just thoughts and they can't change my behavior. I kept repeating that. I'm going to stick to my values and beliefs. After the parade there was a 40 min long ceremony. Kids sang, music played. History lesson and it was difficult sitting still. I was jittery. But I wasn't going to leave. My thought was "the car is parked and we can't leave or go home until everything is done." I had to just embrace that uncertainty. I told my dad and he said I can go off and walk but that seemed to terrify me.

Well I made it through! The parade, the ceremony. I did it. It was hard. It was exposure to a lot of mental obsessions. I tried to stay as mindful as I could. Be in the moment. Look at the trees. Feel the breeze.

It also helped to imagine the intrusive thoughts floating away in a stream. They would pop up "there is a guy with a gun. Guns are dangerous. I feel unsafe." And I imagined it on a piece of paper floating past me going down a stream.

It's hard work. I'm exhausted and because of the Luvox I haven't had a decent nights slept for 2 months. I just want to nap. It's gorgeous here in CT. Sunny, 83 degrees. And I'm proud of myself for doing something in my mind I thought was impossible. And I did them with the thoughts regardless.

I also contacted a behavioral health center this morning. I found a doctor who does a 3 week program, 15 sessions, both individual and in group for OCD.

I feel hopeful but I don't want to get my hopes up too much. So much of the time my brain is yelling "emergency! This is critical!" But I'm realizing that I am so much stronger than I thought I was. Whatever happens, I will handle it. I mean, if I can handle thousands of intrusive harm thoughts a day, I can handle anything.

If you made it to the end I salute you! Thank you for reading. I hope wherever you are in your journey that you are well.

Happy Memorial Day.

3 Comments
  1. Paul_Atreides 5 years ago

    Congratulation to your day! Sounds like you have done and success very much there. I like your describing of the intrusive thoughts imaginating floating away. I maybe should try this by myself.

     

    Best Wishes!

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  2. Ablee 5 years ago

    Thank you for the encouragement and insight to making it through exposures.  I had one today (unplanned exposure) and I ended up crying, here i am a grown woman crying its just the way it happened took me off guard.  But i dealt with it and now i am ok, i realize i have to live with the anxiety and get through it and then it will be ok because your teaching your brain to think differently.   After so many years I am finally getting insight into things and how to deal with these ocd issues I developed.  Happy Memorial Day, tc Ab 

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  3. Dent838 5 years ago

    Cool, sounds like you handled a lot of stressors out there.  Proving to yourself you can do that is huge. 🙂

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