I spent most of yesterday by myself. Alone, in my room thinking. I thought about my life, the choices I made. The choices that I have to make in the near future and which ones was the right ones. Part of me wish that I could have a red flag appear every time its time to decide, so I can know Clearly- what to do. But there is no red flag! All I see are nay- Sayers and members of the peanut galley that always have something to say about how to live my life. Oh and I am an active member of PG for many close people to me. – This is not good. Its like a freaky cycle of abuse. Even if it wasn’t intentional. Instead of listening to the problems and concerns of others I try to break it down to rational bits and give rational black and white answers. When my own problems cant be solved in that way. Plus, a lot of the time your not looking for a detective, just a free ear to vent.. just someone you can trust. But no one can truly solve another’s problems unless they have the means or the resources to do so. So solving someone else’s problems is like trying to answer a trigonometry question with only the use of your fingers. Its flipping hard and you truly get no where.
Ive been thinking a lot about who I used to be and where I am now. I tell myself, my blogs, my friends and family HOW Much I have changed. But have I? I haven’t changed as much as I thought. I thought that tough life experiences have changed me… however if you’re a bitch with a bed to lay on your will still be a bitch without one ( take that as you wish). They only way I can evolve as a person is by “owning up” to my mistakes. By standing by my decisions and by releasing others to live there lives. I cant use other people as crutches in my life. I have to learn how to do some stuff on my own. I also have to be open to new things and people.
The same thing I accuse people of doing (manipulating, doubting, solving, preaching, douchiness) , I do myself. Perhaps it’s a gene, im born this way or perhaps is because I spend so much time with them I slowly BECOME them. The biggest difference is that they are delusional and believe they are right no matter what, and I know that my actions sometimes hurt the feelings of others, my self, and this behavior needs to change. I think about the friends that I lost in the past due to my insecurities, the friends that I lost touch with and it makes me feel sad. I blame it all on me. Its funny, they biggest crictic im my life is my self. I put my self on trial even when I haven’t been accused of anything. I prosecute and charge myself. The same fuel used to end or disconnect many of the family and friends lost is still burning trying to get rid of current friends, family now. This fuel is my inner self, my inner thoughts. They tell me im better off alone. Not to trust anyone. So I don’t listen, and when I’m hurt by someone I take it harder than any one should. And my inner self laughs and mocks me. so I do my best to push others away, with my words, actions… non-actions . I push others away so I can be alone. And that’s no way to live.
I start my life free from these pressures. I cant be so hard on myself. I also have to learn not to demonize everyone. People make and are allowed to make mistakes too. Also I will work on not letting everyone know what im thinking.. After a while you will just start to feel like Im sipping on Dr. Jekyll potion or something.
I love you all, bare with me.