The letter I posted earlier was real and honest but the dis-ease is lifting now and leaving my son, even for a short time, seems a drastic step. What lingers stronger than the plan to separate is my decision to protect the ones I love from the nasty side of my dis-ease. I must believe that’s possible!
Those who have reached out here wonder about the background of such a decision. At the cornerstone of this issue is my sister’s over sensitivity to anger and abuse. She has experienced horrid abuse in the past and can not stand even the slightest sound of anger and rage. She gets very uncomfortable when I am mad or unhappy.
She and I agree that I am far from being an abusive parent but my rage slips out as yelling or a distorted angry face that makes them very uncomfortable when I am in an episode. In that place, my patience and tolerance is paper thin, inconsistent and erratic, especially when it comes to 12 year old misbehavior. My verbal responses are often laced with tiny daggers, biting sarcasm and a generally surly, rude tone. I also withdraw pretty tightly into a private little emotional cave that has my son out there on his own.
Our standard for this kind of behavior is very high because of her past and because of my spiritual beliefs about love and patience. In spite of the fact that we do not hit or malign one another, this behavior is painfully unacceptable to all of us. My son says I’m mean and he verbalizes “I hate you”. He doesn’t hate me but he does hate my dis-ease, my unloving responses and my emotional withdrawal. He hates it that he never knows for sure which Mom he is going to encounter. The inconsistent back andf forth between loving and unloving mom is the worst part for all of us. I don’t blame him. I hate that too.
I wish I could protect him from the up and down, in and out rhythm of my emotional life, which hurts him to watch much less live through. Living apart seems an effective solution. But that may also hurt him really bad, as in feeling abandoned or in believing his mom is so broken and bad she had to leave. I’m not up for that kind result. So I have decided to pause, pray and consult with others before I take further action.
Perhaps learning to deal with this dis-ease in healthy ways is possible and we can teach each other how. That is worth another shot! I also plan to document this leg of the journey so check back to see what happens next.
Thanks for listening and caring. May loving intent bring a bounty of blessings to us all.