Today was a really bad day. I went back into the same cycle of obsessing thoughts. I just feel like crying for hours and hours until passing out from exhaustion. I went to university as always, but my fears took over and I had a really hard time keeping the tears at bay and plastering a big smile on my face. I just feel completely empty. I'm tired of crying, of worrying, of feeling numb and empty and then obsessing again. I try so hard to not listen to the thoughts but they seem so real I can't help believing what they tell me, especially because I've always felt very unworthy, for my entire life so it's twice as hard to not buy into them. I'm just sick of feeling like I'm a bad person, sick of searching for proves in my past and sick of worrying about past actions, wondering if that makes me an awful, horrible, bad person and if it's forgivable or not, if it's illegal or not, sick of regrets. I know somedays it's not true but somehow I can't let the intrusive thoughts go and I feel like crying all the time. I'm completely exhausted. I've been having extreme OCD for 6 months now. Obsessions changed, but since september, they can't leave me alone and it's always the same theme. I've had OCD since I've been fourteen, but this year, it has been a massive challenge, and everything got worse. I just want to give up and to let me sink because I feel like I don't deserve to feel saved. Everytime I think there is hope and that I can get myself out of this, a little voice tells me that I don't have OCD, that all of this is real and that I'm indeed a bad person who needs to be punished and I can't help believing it, no matter how much I try. I've tried CBT/ERP therapy but everytime after a few weeks, I fail and I have to start all over again. I think meds would help and that I can't continue without them. I just feel like burying myself in a hole and sleeping everyday. I feel like I've lost myself. I feel like I'm living in a perpetual nightmare. Since I've read something yesterday on the internet that triggered my OCD that I had contained a bit (I had even changed of obsession), it's been hell, I feel like I don't deserve to get better and it's killing me. I'm just exhausted. I need a break. I just want all of this to stop, to stop, to stop, I just want everything to be over. I don't see myself any future as from now, I don't think that I'm ever going to get married, and have children or even graduate and the sad truth is that it's not new at all. Even in high school, when OCD was not that severe, I didn't have any confidence in my future. All I see is black, and it's been like this for years now. I've never believed in my future and I don't have hope anymore. I just act like a robot everyday, doing things mechanically and staying strong for my family. When I realize how many obsessions I had over the past few years and that they were all completely untrue, I just scold at myself and want to shake myself out of this, telling myself: "obviously, none of this is real", but it feels so real every time I'm sure it's true. I'm tired of smiling every day, and going home crying. I'm so sad because I see no way out and I feel like my life is forever ruined; of course when I tell myself it's OCD, I don't feel like this, but when I believe the thoughts and that I keep obsessing, I feel like I don't have any future, not because of OCD, but because of myself and my past actions. As if I indeed had OCD, but that the thoughts were at the same time true. I believe I have OCD, but what kills me is that I still think the thoughts are true, because they about actions and mistakes.

So well, yeah … I feel like I've reached my limit somehow. I don't know if I can do this anymore, or if I can get through this, or even survive this. Somehow I'm tired of feeling SO unhappy. I've been rarely happy and I'm sick of years and years of hurting and heartache. I'm tired of waiting for happiness. But I'm used to it. I know I'm going to wake up everyday, going to school then crying all the way home, because I have to stay here and being strong for my family. I know I will write dissertations and commentaries for school as always, and that I won't have the grades I deserve because of OCD, as always.  But it's just that I'm so tired. I feel like I can endure no more, and I'm only 19.

2 Comments
  1. shanny2013 8 years ago

    I know excactly how you feel. My ocd also tells me that I am a bad person and that I dont deserve saving or anything good. The amount of times Iv said to myself that im going to not listen to the thoughts it seems to backfire all the time. I also feel so tired from it. My ocd also tells me that Im not going to have a future at all, have kids or meet someone, and it makes me feel so alone sad and bitter. IT has killed my confidence all through school and im scared that it wont ever get better. I have regrets in the past but my ocd wont let me forget them and certain things trigger the obsessive thoughts off and doesnt let me move on. Iv had ocd since i was 9 years old but didnt start getting extreme until i was a teen and im now 22 im on meds and seeing a therapist but it hardly helps. Alot of time i feel like just getting really drunk so I cant even think of anything but then that causes more problems and my ocd punishes me for it. Just this past weekend My obsessions were so bad I spent nearly 2days in bed trying to sleep so I didnt have to have the obsessions and do rituals constantly. Im not so bad when im at work because I have people to talk to but I dont have many close friends especially ones who understand my situation. Please feel free to talk to me anytime when i read your blog it all made sense and i can relate to it and it makes me feel less like im alone in whats going on with this horrible disorder. xxxxxxxxxx

    |
    0 kudos
  2. RockyRose 8 years ago

    I know that territory well just from my own experience lately. Sometimes just when you're about to give up- Something breaks through.   OCD makes it soo much harder when the bad thoughts just keep going round and round like crazy and it seems like you can never break the chain….not too long ago I actually got to the point where I was just soo tired of fighting my bad thoughts- I did turn to drugs but it's a natural supplement I'm saving for when mine gets real bad…

    |
    0 kudos

Leave a reply

© 2021 WebTribes Inc. | find your tribe

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account