Today was a really bad day. I went back into the same cycle of obsessing thoughts. I just feel like crying for hours and hours until passing out from exhaustion. I went to university as always, but my fears took over and I had a really hard time keeping the tears at bay and plastering a big smile on my face. I just feel completely empty. I'm tired of crying, of worrying, of feeling numb and empty and then obsessing again. I try so hard to not listen to the thoughts but they seem so real I can't help believing what they tell me, especially because I've always felt very unworthy, for my entire life so it's twice as hard to not buy into them. I'm just sick of feeling like I'm a bad person, sick of searching for proves in my past and sick of worrying about past actions, wondering if that makes me an awful, horrible, bad person and if it's forgivable or not, if it's illegal or not, sick of regrets. I know somedays it's not true but somehow I can't let the intrusive thoughts go and I feel like crying all the time. I'm completely exhausted. I've been having extreme OCD for 6 months now. Obsessions changed, but since september, they can't leave me alone and it's always the same theme. I've had OCD since I've been fourteen, but this year, it has been a massive challenge, and everything got worse. I just want to give up and to let me sink because I feel like I don't deserve to feel saved. Everytime I think there is hope and that I can get myself out of this, a little voice tells me that I don't have OCD, that all of this is real and that I'm indeed a bad person who needs to be punished and I can't help believing it, no matter how much I try. I've tried CBT/ERP therapy but everytime after a few weeks, I fail and I have to start all over again. I think meds would help and that I can't continue without them. I just feel like burying myself in a hole and sleeping everyday. I feel like I've lost myself. I feel like I'm living in a perpetual nightmare. Since I've read something yesterday on the internet that triggered my OCD that I had contained a bit (I had even changed of obsession), it's been hell, I feel like I don't deserve to get better and it's killing me. I'm just exhausted. I need a break. I just want all of this to stop, to stop, to stop, I just want everything to be over. I don't see myself any future as from now, I don't think that I'm ever going to get married, and have children or even graduate and the sad truth is that it's not new at all. Even in high school, when OCD was not that severe, I didn't have any confidence in my future. All I see is black, and it's been like this for years now. I've never believed in my future and I don't have hope anymore. I just act like a robot everyday, doing things mechanically and staying strong for my family. When I realize how many obsessions I had over the past few years and that they were all completely untrue, I just scold at myself and want to shake myself out of this, telling myself: "obviously, none of this is real", but it feels so real every time I'm sure it's true. I'm tired of smiling every day, and going home crying. I'm so sad because I see no way out and I feel like my life is forever ruined; of course when I tell myself it's OCD, I don't feel like this, but when I believe the thoughts and that I keep obsessing, I feel like I don't have any future, not because of OCD, but because of myself and my past actions. As if I indeed had OCD, but that the thoughts were at the same time true. I believe I have OCD, but what kills me is that I still think the thoughts are true, because they about actions and mistakes.
So well, yeah … I feel like I've reached my limit somehow. I don't know if I can do this anymore, or if I can get through this, or even survive this. Somehow I'm tired of feeling SO unhappy. I've been rarely happy and I'm sick of years and years of hurting and heartache. I'm tired of waiting for happiness. But I'm used to it. I know I'm going to wake up everyday, going to school then crying all the way home, because I have to stay here and being strong for my family. I know I will write dissertations and commentaries for school as always, and that I won't have the grades I deserve because of OCD, as always. But it's just that I'm so tired. I feel like I can endure no more, and I'm only 19.