I didn’t go to class today. I didn’t stay at home either. I went out and got the script for my anti depressants that I have had sitting at home.
I didn’t need it to be filled. I allready had about 20 left over from my last prescription. I didn’t get them to take them 1 per day. I got them, to take them all at one time.
I know it’s wrong to talk of such things. I just.. my head is just not right. To be honest, I don’t think 50 of these tablets will kill me. I might end up in hospital. I’ll be safe there.
I guess this makes it sound like the typical "cry for help". Maybe it is? I’m not so sure about that. There are parts of me that does want help. But that part is being drowned out by the part of me that thinks that no matter what amout of help, i’m unsaveable.
I was thinking about what would happen if i were to take them, and end up in hosptial. I know that I won’t tell them what I have taken. They don’t need to know. I need to be put away, and i think that this would be the right way to do it.
while I was out thoughts of this consumed my every thought. I felt in one way relief was the most prominent. While I was on the bus, going over the bridge, i looked out at the sun. It was warm on my face. The pills in my bag felt like a heavy weight.
So i’m home now. I’ll wait til later. When I have more privacy. Then who knows.
I wish I were smarter/stronger/wiser but some people have destinys, and they are good. Others have desinys that are like mine. I’m destined to live a life of pain and misery. Nothings ever going to change. I have to come to terms with that.
My internal struggle is constant. It’s everything. It’s nothing. It’s what I am. It’s what I will be. Should I throw up my hands and give up? Should I try and stick it out. Right now.. throwing up my hands seems like the easy option.
I have taken the "easy" option all my life. I’m so weak. I have no mental toughness. I’m exhusted.