- I don’t really like talking about myself in detail. People don’t understand. People easily misinterpreted my background or take it lightly. Sometimes I tell the truth and then they bury it togeather with other truths. I’ve developed a coping mechanism for my trauma. Simply, forgetting it. I can hardly remember any of the emotional abuse in detail. I’ve developed apathy, an inability for concern/unable to care. My sisters dog died, brought home after being hit by a car as they chased her while she was being chased by 2 big dogs. Dad asked for a Mirror to see if she was alive(??) I was playing games at the time, and had an attitude, pretty sure, for having to get up. Idk, nvm. I did have a dream about that dog though. Also, my sister was crying on her body bloody murder (when she died in real life, not in the dream.) In the dream, the dog was my companion and friend helping me fight against those who threatened me (like solders in war) then she would die fatally by one of those terrorists. Then the setting would change. Were in a war, on the battlefield. Trenches, those one things for cover, flags, and dropping bodies. The she gets shot. This happens over and over until I started crying for feeling so bad. At first, I didn’t care at all in the dream. But as time went on, I think my subconscious made me realize something. That deep, deep down in my already teared heart, I did feel a little bad. Not because my sister cried or that she died, but because she was a support on my life line. She helped me with her gental touch when she was just in the room during my mental breakdowns, or when I would pet her soft fur. Something majestic about that. Now that we’re done with that part of my life, let’s talk about school! Yay… yeah, I prefer I didn’t either. But it’s still a major breaking point for me, so. Ok since school has like 12 years + taken from you life span, I’ll shorten it up to 3, maybe 4(?) Sentences. Physically bullied, verbally, mentally, sexually. (Yes, sexually assulted, not harrassed… well, actually, yes, sexually harrassed. They made fun of me when THEY sexually assaulted ME with a pencil??? Idk.) I was too nice to press charges. My dad did offer though. OK COOL, PINNED DOWN AND PHYSICALLY FORCED TO GO TO SCHOOL, SPANKINGS TOO (AND IM 15 LIKE WTF AND HE IS PRACTICALLY A PERVERT.) DEPRESSION X3, NOW HOMESCHOOLING. Ok cool. Uhhhh, lost 1, 2, 3, 4, 5(5th came back) best friends. 2 may have been my fault partially, but I left because/for them. (One of the two was really terrible friend and choose their gf constantly over his other friends. (The other one was my most supportive friends and understood why I left the friend group.) Now I’m heavily indecisive if I should go back because I never got closure. And because I never got closure, they can’t have closure either. So I made sure of that before I left. (Yes I was manipulative and forced them to feel bad for what they did to me. (I had 1 anxiety and 1 panic attacks’ because of the gf.) The other 3 left on their own accord. Trust me, wasn’t my fault. One of them was like 4 years older than me or something (maybe 5) oh yeah, also, I never had real life friends before, so. Ive had 3 real friends that i considered to be real. One changed schools and the other 2 I left behind because I changed schools for being bullied to much there (the next school didn’t get much better. Worse, infact) back to the online ones, (if you didn’t gather that much) the 5 year old one ahead of me left because he has a skin disease?? Idk like I didn’t even know his face and I think he was a bit of a pervert. He kept friendliness me back, I accept then unfriending me again. Finally I had enough of him playing with my feelings and blocked him forever. He never explained to me why he kept on doing that, but whatever. It’s been a long time and I’m over it now. In the beginning, it was very hard to be him friend because he was a big jerk. But I had known worse people so I continued to bug him with my presence and we eventually became “best”(??) Friends. Onto number 2!!! Number 2, oh, number 2… we don’t talk, but, you moved on and left me behind. I get it. Still, it hurt. Alot. considering how many friends I had already lost. And it was right after number 1 left too. OK, number 5. My bff!! We grew up togeather. But boom, our first disagreement because I admitted I didn’t care about your feelings one time. I forget what it was about. I care now though, because we’re friends again. And this happened in the middle of 3 and 4. Soon after we became friends again, number 3 left me without actually leaving me behind. Number 3 knew how much friends leaving hurt me since it happened to often. It’s why I have attachment issues. Probably why he basically said, yeah I won’t talk to you ever, and avoid you, like alot of people have done before but I wouldn’t actually tell you straight up that I hate you and that I’m not your friend. Still dealing with that. Then therapy for 3 sessions, then bankruptcy. OH YEAH LETS NOT FORGET THE TRUENCY AND THREATENS TO GO TO COURT. THAT WAS BEFORE THE 3 AND 4 INCCIDENT THO. I really summarized this. Theirs way more but, I don’t feel like go on with this any longer. Cyan. Also yes, I did dial the hotline. (Also I attempted to run away)
Hey Sammy, This will be a lot easier to read if you used some line breaks
and some punctuation!
hugs – Iris