Lately I have been feeling like if I don't let go of some of the hurt, anger, and resentment that I have been holding onto forever I don't know what I'll do. I guess I feel like I can't let go because I never had the chance to talk about what has happened and express how it affected me. We'll start with my mother…I finally started to build a relationship with her when I was about 18. Before then she was in and out of my life and prison. While she was so focused on he next fix or drink I was growing up with my grandparents. I didn't have a relationship with my father until I was 18, he was usually just the bank. He would make half hearted attempts to be more but I was angry because I didn't understand why I didn't grow up with him or why he didn't call everyday. My grandparents are amazing loving people and I am so grateful for them. I can't imagine how even more messed up I would be if I had grown up with either of my parents. My grandma once told me that my mom didn't know how to be a mom because when she was growing up my grandma had no idea how to raise the four little girls that she had been blessed with. She was saying that I should be mad at her instead because its her fault for not being able to show my mom how to be a parent. Me and my mother have a better relationship especially after my son was born. Which brings my onto the next things that eats away at me everyday. I met my sons father at work and he was one of my bosses. He was married at the time with a little boy and I honestly don't know what attracted me to him. So yes i was a homewrecker and I think that I did deserve some of the thing that he has done to me. We had only been dating a month before he left his wife and we moved in with eachother. So of course I got pregnant way too soon. We were fine during my pregnancy so I thought that it was going to be great after our son was born. It seemed that as soon as he was born he began to spend more and more time at his ex's. He worked from 3pm to 12am and before work at 7am he would have to go over there and watch his son while she was at school. So we only saw him from 12am to 7am everyday. He began to shower over there and spend time on his days off. He would choose watching his first son over watching our son. So my mom had to stay with us so I could go back to work and I was grateful because I wasn't so lonely. I would ask him all the time if there was something going on between them again and he would say no. But what do ya know he tells me that he is going to move back in with her because he needs to try and make it work with her. I of course was crushed because here i was with a new baby and his father was leaving. It was of course happening the way my grandma predicted. The night that he packed up all of his things he ended up coming back. He never really gave me a straight answer as to why he came back but it didn't get better. He had stopped going over there in the morning so i figured it was over. He was still very distant and just mean to me. If I asked him if he was talking to anyone else he would just get mad and leave. I started to notice that he was spending a lot of time on the internet. He was talking to several different girls in different states and even countries. Even going as far as telling them that he loved them, So of course I blew up because this was obviously proof that he didn't want to be with me. He was only back because he didn't have anywhere else to go. and He made that very evident. So after months and months of this continuing I finally decided to move back to my hometown with my family. That only lasted a couple months before I went back. He swore up and down that it was going to be different. But it wasn't he was still doing things behind my back and being shady. So I move out this last time because I found hairclip and pins in our bed that weren't mine. I had had enough so I took my son to a hotel and stayed there for the night. He didn't even go home that night but he swears he wasn't with any females. I sent my son home with my mother so I could pack up my car and leave the next day. As I was loading up the last box he pulls up and blocks my car so I can't go anywhere. I had to go door to door until someone would let me call the police. he made me give him the cell phone that was under his name. eventually they made him move his car and he couldn't drive back to work because he had a suspended license. He moved in a 19 year old girl that he had met at work right after I had left. I didn't talk to him for 4 months and if he wanted to talk to our son he had to go through my mother. I had gone back to the city for a friends birthday and he spotted my car(there aren't many like them) and pulled in. I was shaking cause I was so scared but he only walked up to see if our son was with me which he wasn't. Like two days later I call him asking if I can come over and talk and he agreed. I guess I thought that I needed to see it for myself that he was happy without us. It devasted me that there was some other girls stuff moved in already. After seeing that I tried to leave but he kept me there for 3 hours. He was saying how much he missed me. and blah blah blah. So of course over the next few weeks we arranged for him to get silas on his days off. It seemed to be working out fine as friends and we were co-parenting. But i guess things weren't working out with his new gf so he kicked her out. He sent me a picture of the empty closet. He then convinced me to come and stay with him for a week or so. So we could maybe work things out. I agreed because i guess i missed being mind fucked and plus it made our son extremely happy to see us together. so were now back together and we moved from washington to michigan where his family is from. He promised me that he isn't the same as before that he doesn't talk to multiple woman and hes not a cheater. He's working odd jobs to make money and is gone all day long. I am so lonely here cause I don't get along with his family so my son and i are confined to our house. I do see a change in him because he doesn't carry his phone around with him everywhere, its not locked anymore. He is more considerant and caring. But I still find myself trying to find all the negative things. He says that if I don't stop thinking negatively all the time he doesn't want to be with me. He hasn't given me any reason to not trust him here so Idk why I can't do it. we promised eachother that we were going to start clean and let go of the past. I want to move back to washington but im scared of not having him by my side. idk im just lonely here and it gives me to much time to overanalyse things. Sometimes I find myself taking out my frustration on my son which I know if absolutely that wrong thing to do. I get too frustrated with him. But I think that I have no help here because he is always working. why couldn't i just move back and have my family as support and they would gladly help me with my son.


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