Okay, so after reading a few blogs on here, I will attempt to write a real one of my own.
I guess first I should explain why I am here in the first place. I don\'t really know where to begin, or how to state this, but as I have told more people I have found it is just easiest to blurt it out:
I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by my first boyfriend for a year. Oh, and I was only fourteen.
Now, when I told my parents about this, my mom said I had kind of been asking for it, so let me make this very clear: I DID NOT ASK FOR IT. I never wanted that to happen to me. For God\'s sake, I didn\'t even know what sex was three years ago! Let alone what sexual abuse was. I hardly know anything on that topic TODAY. That is how innocent I was and am. In addition, it was my very first relationship. I had NO IDEA what an abusive relationship was or what one was like beyond a dictionary definition.
So, anyways, ever since that relationship, where the worst was when I was molested, I have had HORRIBLE anxiety. I cannot even describe it. Heck, for the first two years I had it I didn\'t even know what it was. I just described it as "bad feelings". Oh, and by the way, I didn\'t tell anyone about my anxiety or my abuse for over a year. So that didn\'t help.
I don\'t know, it kind of controls my life sometimes. I don\'t want to go to a therapist, at least not until I am old enough to go without the knowledge of my parents, but I needed an outlet, because obviously like I said my parents aren\'t much help and I do not want to talk to anyone until I am 18. So I came across this website and bam here I am writing this blog.
I guess what I am frustrated with the most and what I need help with the most is the fact I can\'t trust ANYONE. Does anyone else have this problem? Maybe it is just me. But seriously, I do not trust people. Mainly boyfriends. Yes, shockingly I have dated since then. I had one boyfriend for two years after that, but guess what, he cheated on me so that didn\'t help my trust issues, and now I am dating someone new. This new guy is pretty great, but he has severe anxiety too. Sometimes I think his is worse than mine. Well, maybe not, perhaps it is just about different things than mine so I feel like it would be worse. (Let me explain, he went I believe two years without leaving his house, used to hate crowds, still hates them to some degree, doesn\'t like to be far from home-but he has traveled across the country in the past two years, and hates new people.) To me all of that is a lot worse than just not trusting boyfriends. Anyways, that is where I am at now, and I guess it is kind of nice to have someone who understands anxiety, while then again it also makes mine worse sometimes to know that he has it too. Which I don\'t understand at all, but whatever.
Besides the trust thing, I can\'t feel love. Like I cannot for the life of me tell if people mean it when they say they love me. This is also due to my first boyfriend more than likely. Also, I kind of feel like I am not good enough for anybody since I was abused and started struggling with my anxiety. I feel like all I do is hurt people sometimes because whenever I talk to them about my problems, it makes them start sobbing hysterically, which hurts me, them, and doesn\'t help anything at all.
On a less serious note other facts about me include the following: I love basketball, running, fishing, hunting, singing, dancing, reading, my job, my friends, family, church, autumn, and wish to someday scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef! Trust me, there is a lot more for me to mention about my life and experiences and problems and hopes and dreams, but that is all I can gather at the moment, so that\'s all for now(: