Ive had anxiety since I was a small child, of course I didnt understand anxiety so I came off as a huge brat to most people. When I felt anxious I would throw tantrums and act out violently at times. I seemed uncontrollable but really I was just expelling negative energy that was building up inside of me and getting angry or throwing a holy fit seemed to distract me well. Now here I am, 39 yrs old and still fighting anxiety! It has been one hell of a ride to say the least! I have been to too many doctors to count anymore and not a single one has done too much for curing me. I have chosen to not take any meds other than the random ativan when absolutely needed. I have however learned to find a comfort zone in life and as long as I remain and live life within this zone, I am fine for the most part. I also have OCD but a kind that is called pure O. I pretty much only have the obsessiveness without the compulsions that follow. My anxiety is mostly health anxiety and anxiety over losing loved ones. My mother died suddenly of an aneurysm when I was 12 and my father died of cancer when I was 18. My older sister died when I was 28… she was 42 and left behind a 9 yr old. Even before my mother died I used to worry about her dying. I would have dreams about it, I would stay home from school because of it, I was sent to counseling for it. When she died my counselor came to my house and she didnt know what to say. I remember looking her in the eyes and asking her ” what do you say to someone whos worst fear just came true?” ” How do you fix this? How do you tell someone they are being irrational when everything they feared just became reality?” I never saw her again after that. My anxiety is based on reality so I truly dont know how to fix it. Instead, I am on a quest to learn to accept this reality without fear but it seems impossible. I get so many weird body sensations on a daily basis. I get weird feelings in my head, I get numbness in limbs, I get dizzy, I feel overall just crappy alot of the times. Some days I feel “unreal” like my mind is floating away from my body. I drive alone and worry about passing out at the wheel and crashing…. which in turn causes me to feel lightheaded and ” weird” which in turn causes that vicious panic cycle. I have no escape. People have suggested having a drink…… makes me feel weird and causes anxiety. People have suggested smoking a little pot to calm my nerves……. NEVER AGAIN! That was its own story that landed me right in the ER because of extreme panic! I cannot change death and I surely cannot bring the people I loved so dearly back from it. What I do know with certainty is that I was gifted this beautiful life to experience all of Gods goodness and instead I sit daily in fear. I sit here so uptight and closed off. I tell myself this is no way to live but I also dont know how else to live! I have long forgot how to be carefree, I actually worry that if I am too happy or if my day goes too good something bad will happen! I worry constantly about my son and daughter who are now both drivers with theyre own vehicles! I call them constantly when they are out and about to check on them and see where they are and I do not rest until they are back home again. If they are out somewhere and they call me I cringe because I worry that when i answer I will get bad news. I didnt worry as much before motherhood but I still had plenty of anxiety over my own well being and health. I still convince myself frequently that i have some terrible illness or that I have serious heart issues the doctors just havent found yet. I feel like I cant breathe at least five times a day. So what does one do when they fear the inevitable? How does one accept that life ends and just accept that i am here now and live out loud??? How do I find peace with the things I cannot control?


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