Today was the last day of our week-long school vacation. I woke up this morning, with no particular thoughts in mind. I felt like I’d only slept a wink. I had to watch my sister, so I laid down next to her and went back to sleep. I set an alarm and woke up an hour later, to get ready for my much needed counseling appointment. I’ve been feeling particularly down the last few days. There’s not really a reason, or maybe, too many. I got up and stumbled into my bedroom, got dressed in some comfy leggings and my 802 hoodie, ran a brush through my long dark hair. I felt fine, or maybe not so much “fine”, as I didn’t really know what I felt at all. My mother came home later, brought me to my appointment… Late. And when we got there, she shut off the car and my mother, sister, and I all went into my appointment. To my surprise, FYI. My mom got a letter from my school. My school is worried about my attendance and sleeping problems. They’ve reported my mother to Child Services for “truancy”. I had to spend the next hour, and the extra 45 minutes after that… Just talking. Trying to explain something what I couldn’t explain. Trying to say things I didn’t know how to say. I wanted to talk about my feelings, but I couldn’t. Me and my mother have a hostile relationship, and so forth, instead of an hour of actual me-time, talking about things I NEED to talk about… I had to spend close to two hours babbling in front of my mother, sister, and counselor. Then, we did my paper route, we came home, and all I wanted to do was hide away in my bedroom. Or talk to my best friend whom I’m in love with, even if it is only one-sided. Or text my cousin. But I couldn’t… I didn’t feel, anything. I wasn’t sad, or upset. I most definitely wasn’t happy. I can’t even remember the last time I was actually happy. I think if I remembered what happiness felt like, that maybe I’d remember it. That I’d enjoy it, but sometimes I think I’d be scared. People leave one way or another, either by choice, or by death. Why should I ever put myself out there if I know it’ll only hurt later? Why should I try anything at all anymore? If I don’t try, I may not be able to be happy… But I’ll never get hurt again either.

1 Comment
  1. dorinda18 5 years ago

    This is a really greag article. I totally know how you feel people just dn’t undertstand if they don’t have anxiety or depression. I also have a hard time talking about my feeling and I like to keep things to myself. You just gotta hang in there because one day happiness will come to you I promise

    1 kudos

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