So what sucks, is when you go into chat, and you recognize every name in the chat room, and some of those people are even your 'friends', and they don't even greet you. Then, you figure, okay, well you know, maybe they're all just feeling down or somber, so you speak up and try to get chatting, and maybe one person acknowledges you (or not) and then someone else comes in and like THREE people are like, HEY so and so! You rock! How are you?

One of my big issues is feeling isolated and alone. Part of the reason that I joined AT and part of the reason why I quit other social networking sites was because of this cliquey shit. I felt like I was putting in all of the effort to continue friendships and got NOTHING in return.

So, you'll have to excuse me if I don't come across as friendly and charming at the moment. It hurts my feelings, and it makes me want to block out the world.

I am the kind of person who is quick to attempt to be friendly with anyone, and then quick to dismiss those who treat me badly. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and that's a hard habit to break. But I've also learned to build up these walls, and not let anyone hurt me more than once.

Sometimes I feel like I'm so desperate for human contact that I am overly friendly to everyone, and maybe that's the reason that I get trampled on so much.

Go ahead and tell me that I'm being a huge baby about it. But before you juge me, please look at yourself and your own situation. If you can tell me honestly that you're perfect in every way, then feel free to tell me that I'm overly sensitive, or that I'm just being plain bitchy. I'm pretty sure that we're all here for the same reason–it's called "ANXIETY" tribe. I thought that people going through the same issues as me would be more sensitive and receptive.

And before it gets mentioned to me, let me please say that I'm not here to be babied and catered to and coddled. It's not about that. It's about the fact that THIS seems to be how I am treated over and over again. It hurts to be pushed into the background and then have it rubbed in your face when someone "better" comes along that you think is "cool". I'm SO not like that.

When I'm in chat, I make it my mission to say "hi" to every person who comes in, because I don't want anyone to come in and feel lonely or left out. If someone stops talking, I try to bring him or her back into the conversation, but I'm fucking SICK of being the only person who gives a shit about the other PERSON on the other side of the computer screen.

YES I recognize that there's not only a person there, but a person who is likely emotionally unstable, or depressed, or anxious, or has several issues, and just really wants someone to talk to, to make them feel less alone, to make them feel like they EXIST. And on the occasions when I come here looking for that sort of support and comfort from someone else, and then get nothing in return, IT HURTS. I'm a PERSON, I exist.

What hurts the most is that I'm at a point now where I have to simply say "I exist" to myself, because I'm starting to doubt it… I'm wondering if I actually do truly exist, or if I only think that I do. I feel THAT alone… that I genuinely really wonder sometimes if I really exist. Do I? Am I even here??? Does ANYONE here me when I speak, see me when I think I am there? Read my words when I write them? Am I even HERE? AM I? I really don't even know anymore!!!!!


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