So, next week the hubby and I have to go on a mini vacation to an indoor water park then to a amusement park (Cedar Point) for his work.  A little stressful just due to the timing but if we don't go, we have to pay to get out of it… It makes no sense I know… Any hoot.. I have been looking to borrow a wheel chair from someone or see if I can get one at these places to use.  When I told the hubby about it, he was infuriated… He says, "I"m not ready to accept this life style and I don't want to push you in a wheel chair.  Can't you just use your cane?"  Um… Yeah a person with no real balance who's pelvic bone shifts when they walk totally SHOULD walk on a wet surface with a cane.  I don't think he realizes how much all of this hurts me.  We don't know if this is a permenent issue or if there will be a day when I don't need walking aids but, you have to work what you've been given right??  

It hurts when people stare at you in a store or when I have to go to the school… I was always taught you don't stare or make fun of people like me.. I taught my daughter the same principal.  If I don't use the cane,  I do walk like a freak after about 50ft.  I have NO control over my body and all of this is just adding to the sadness and heart ache I feel every day.  If I let myself get frustrated with myself, I just become angry and manic.  Lately, I walk with my head down, when I speak to other people, I keep my head down.  I was the person who took care of others and now some days, I can barely take care of myself.   I was once a damn good nurse.. I was once that fun mom that went to the park and zoo's and now, it's like I'm too big of a hassle to bother with.    It's beautiful out side today yet, I just want to crawl back into bed and cry…   I told him he could walk away, I wouldn't blame him.  Years of putting up with my emotional/mental problems now all of this…

Even tho I'm becoming handicapped that shouldn't take away from who I am on the inside… People treat me differently, avoid me… I"m just sick of all of this and what Im unintentionally putting others thru… The light at the end of this tunnel is growing bleak… Onto another day I suppose…