First, I want to start off by saying that I’m not as impressed with the site update as I thought I’d be. Since the old site resembled old-school MySpace, it was in need of an update, but now it looks so institutional and…un-creative, for lack of a better word. If they can at least get chats and IM’s up soon, then maybe I’ll feel more hopeful. I’m definitely going to miss being able to customize the appearance of my profile. And I just gave it a really cute makeover, too…
Anyways, onto the real issue. Last week I was on vacation and for the majority of the week, I went away with my family and I had a really good time. Being around my brother every day was a struggle but he only threatened to knock me out once and he never actually hit me, so it could have been worse. Then for the rest of the week I hung out with friends and my sweetheart (and had a nightmarish intake appointment at the mental health center than I blogged about recently). Last night, when I was on my way home, I realized that vacation was over and that I had to get back to the same old life that had me feeling severely depressed right before my vacation. Only days before my vacation started, I had called an emergency hotline because I was feeling so frantically anxious. When I had that realization, I broke down in tears and immediately started missing my parents, even though I spent more than half the week with them. I resented that I had to move out so early in my life because of my brother and I just wanted to go and stay with them and spend every day with them. Then I thought about how my best friend and I now live an hour away from each other and how difficult it is for us to work around our busy schedules to see each other. THEN I thought about my financial situation and my medical situation and everything just started snowballing until I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. I was just screaming at my windshield, “I can’t do this anymore; I don’t want this life, ” over and over until I was too tired to keep going.
Fortunately, work was easy today so it wasn’t like I just had to jump into the deep end as soon as I got back. However, the library is running its annual summer reading program and our department supervisor is out this week. Since I’m the assistant head, everything will fall on me (and there are always plenty of issues in the work week). I’m rarely alone on the weekends, since I try to pack all my plans into Friday-Sunday, but the weekdays are soul sucking. I work too much to do anything and so I don’t see anyone outside of work on those days. I used to tell myself that I hate people and that I want to be alone, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve found that I was so wrong. It turns out the I get lonely VERY easily. After a couple hours of quiet time to myself, time seems to slow down and I feel like I’m trapped on an island that I can’t get off of. And for some stupid reason, instead of trying to swim to other people, I react by isolating myself further. I build a wall to keep my pain in so that it doesn’t spread to anyone else.
Basically, I feel like a pathetic lonely ball that can’t handle being a regular ol’ twenty-something adult. I know plenty of people my age who have careers and bills to pay, but they don’t have a mental breakdown just because their lives are mundane. They accept it and learn to like it. For some reason, I can never seem to learn to love my life. I don’t even know what kind of life I want, anymore. I just don’t want this one.