Things are good today but i just have ALOT of stuff floating aroud in my mind and i need to get it off my chest, and out of my head. I wouldnt actually adivse anyone to read this as i know it will amount to sweet f**k all. 🙂

Im reading james freys biography ; a million little pieces,. im about two thirds of the way through it. Iv never read a book where my perception of the authour changed so much. At first i thought he was a bit of an asshole, but i said i would continue cos i love to read and i just have to know what happens next, even if 'what happens next' is the most un – interesting thing i still cant stop…….. Does thata remind you of anything?? ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY. I feel that even that simple thing is a bit of an addictive tendancy, i alwasy have to go a step further, know what happens next, do more than everyone else and end up worse for ware then. Like for example with the reading , even if its the shittest book i still have to keep on reading. A thirst for knoweldge some might say? No, well i say thats definatley not it. I willl read and read and read until the book is finished, untill its getting bright out and i havent had any sleep and i know now that il only get about an hours sleep before i have to be up and il regret doing it, feel stupid because the book will be there later, but my lost hours of rest are gone for ever.

All through ths paticular book there is slight references made to a girl in the treament centre that the author keeps stumbling upon and there seems to be a connection between them. Anyway to cut a long story short they end up meeting, passing notes and making sneaky phone calls to one another (male and female patients are not allowed any contact apart from to say hello) and its clear he loves her and her him. Shes had a hard life,thrown into prostituition and drugs at the hands of her mother etc etc. he tells her that he loves her and would never do anything to harm her, hel be with her for ever and doesnt even want to have sex with her.  And he really does mean it…

That really got me thinking about the men in my life , they have all held a pattern – there real 'bad boys', sell drugs, take drugs, dont work – u get the picture. Anyway i feel i have a sort of addiction in men too, When im getting into a realtionship with one of these men, i always without fail think ' i know this isnt right, this will leave me hurt' and although i know its true and i should turn oin my heel and walk away  but i never do because i always have this urge to stay with this men and i let them convince me , and i convince myself that they wont treamt me badly, this time will be different, so i stay wiht them and things are pretty much the same as alaways and i keep on coming back …. wanting to make things right, wanting it to work …….always just sttruggling to be loved and happy. Wanting so much to be loved and be safe and be happy. But i never am and i do walk away but its always too late. So  i carry these burdens around with me, the scars of my past life that could continue on to my future if im not very fucking careful.

The strange an funny thing that got me thinking about all this was the part in the book that i wrote before when he was telling her he loved her and would treat her right blah bla bla. Anyway before i read this i kind of thought the guy was a dickhead and an asshole but as soon as  i read that i said 'ah no he's so nice, awww!' FUCK AM I REALLY THAT GULLABLE???Thats crazy isnt it??How can i just change my complete opinion of someone cos they say some bullshit words that i dont even know have any meaning or if he has any real plan to stick by his promises?

This is goning to really annoy me…i can feel it. I cant believe im that weak an gullable!

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