At some point you have to give in. I am sick. I cannot do this on my own. Last night I went crazy slamming doors etc. for absolutely no reason. I am such a kind-hearted caring person. This disease is taking over my soul. I love my boyfriend in every way possible, with every piece of my mind, body, and spirit. But I know he cannot take it anymore. Am I being selfish putting him through all of this? I know he loves me and I believe that if there were ever such thing as true love we have found it. But he is right…he shouldn't have to deal with this. No one should. I shouldn't have to deal with this. Last night he told me he has the choice to get away from it even if I don't. That wasn't a nice thing to say, but it was true and I don't know if I were in his shoes if I could do this.

I talked to my dad on the phone. He said if my bf decides it's over when he gets home that I can move home tonight (2 hrs away) and get my stuff later. I feel like if I move home that I have failed. I have been fighting so hard; I just graduated college with a 3.63, got a job in my field, and HAD the perfect bf. Why did I have to feel sad and depressed? WHY?! I may quit my job tomorrow and tell the boss that my dad has failing health (that was my dad's idea considering he just got ankle surgery anyway). Then at least I wouldn't have to feel like such a failure.

I just turned on Pandora and the Music I am listening to came on….first song. Is it a sign? It's making me cry. I am such a good person but the disease is getting me. Taking me away. It's like a cancer of emotions. It never really goes away and now it's in remission. I want to fight it but can I realistically at this point? How can I go on without him?


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