Sorry I haven't beenon the last few days friends~ I've been busy and sick. I seem to have some kind of problem with my spleen or or upper GI tract…so I've been feeling pretty yucky. 🙁
So it's been an interesting few days. My husband suddenly decided that Thurs and Fri we should take our son to Wet N Wild finally. Originally I was all for it~ especially getting away for a couple of days, but then I started feeling really bad. I went to the doctor on Wednesday morning, but she told me that she couldn't to anything for me until some test results came in. But she gave me the go ahead to take our trip, just to take it easy.
We almost didn't go. But I felt so guilty not going because our son was really looking forward to it, and my husband had already taken time off. My thought was I could either be in pain at home, or trying to have fun and not think about the pain. I opted for plan B.
I'm glad I did. We had a nice time, and I even rode most of the rides and then spent a lot of time just relaxing on an innertube floating down the Lazy River. It was nice. The boys both had fun.
Saturday night I went to see "The Wall" done by Roger Waters live- and it was incredible. I'd have to say it was the best concert I've ever been to. I was concerned about what it might do to my mood because so much of the content is dark, but I did okay. And let's be honest- anyone who has ever suffered depression completely understands that album from Pink Floyd. The best part of it though was the fact that my Mom was at my side- she instilled my love of that band from the beginning of my life. I like to joke that my earliest memories of music are of Pink Floyd and Frederic Chopin. It was reallly special to me to get to take her to see a band she's loved most of her life and would probably not get the chance to see again.
After all the good things though, I hit a downswing yesterday. It's like the law of gravity~ what goes up must come down. I was weepy and angry and feeling self-defeat in dealing with this stupid illness. In my bad days I'm almost always overwhelmed with the knowledge that I'm going to fight with this the rest of my life, and it seems insurmountable and impossible. It makes me want to give up and lie down and not get up again.
What's really sad is that I'm pushing my husband away. I feel like he deserves better than the life he's going to endure with me~ an ill woman who is not going to get better, who constantly changes emotional poles like a roller coaster, who becomes hostile and angry for no apparent reason. His Mom has made pointed remarks time and time again, little barbed comments that hint at her feeling that he could do better. To her I am just a burden on him. And a lot of the time, I feel that she's right.
Last night, on Father's Day of all days, I started a discussion with him about whether or not he was sure he wanted this life with me. He was really angry at me for even suggesting that he'd be happier with someone else, with someone other than me. It then turned into me reciting our history of his inability to cope with my illness, his complete denial of when I was doing very poorly, his lack of compassion in the past. I voiced my concern of him going back to that, and of being fearful of depending on him to be aware and vigilant about changes in my moods and behaviors. Inthe past he has failed toaccept any responsibilityin helping me, and I'm afraid of putting mywell-being into his hands. When he gets overwhelmed he just shuts down and shuts it all out. I told himthat I needed him all or nothing in this, that he couldn't do that any longer.
He got really quiet and then said, "I'm sorry, but I'm not perfect. I'm doing thebest I can. I know in thepast I've mademistakes, but I'd like to think I've grown a lot since then. I wish you had more faith in me."
"Why doyou keep trying to push me away? Do you think I'd behere if I didn't want to be? Do you really think that I care what my Momthinks of our relationship? I love you, and that's not going to change, illness or not."
I hung my head and silent tears slid down my cheeks. He had nothing more tosay. How do I tell himthat I feel like this illness is a ticking time-bomb inside of me, and I'm terrified of him witnessing the worst? He's admittedto having nightmares recently of me asking him tohelp me commit assisted suicide, and how hecan't do it and how awful the whole thing makeshim feel. I don't want him to suffer through this! I don't want him to livein fear all of the time that I'm going to do something stupid. I'm not suicidal right now…haven't been in quite awhile~ and even then it's usually more ideation than planning. But I don't know what the future holds, and I can't promise that there won't be a day that I do the unthinkable in a horrible fit of despair.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop trying to push him away. I'm afraid for him, and afraid for me to allow himto be my main support in this. My Mom has always been in that role, because she's very in tune with me emotionally if you know what I mean. Aaron tends to beoblivious until it gets bad.
I don't know what else to say. I know I'm trying to isolate, and that it isn't a good sign. But at least I'm aware of it.
I have to go to work. I really don't feel up to it today between mystate of mindand the stomach pain, butI refuse to give in to it. That's what it wants, to hold me down and drown me. I have to keep swimming and refuse it's numbing effects.