I'm so thankful for places like these to get things off of my chest. Normal people can't understand. Most religious, scrupulosity OCDers fear doing a sin. Mine started out at the age of 12 of being afraid I wasn't "saved" (brought up Baptist) and I'd accept Jesus into my heart over and over all day, every day for years. I was terrified of the Holy Spirit "coming into my heart." To me it felt like laying on a hospital bed, the doctor being God who was going to transplant someone else's brain into me, i.e., I'd end up being perfect, which to me meant like being someone else or even just the thought of being perfect scares me half to death. Which starts the ruminating.
Most people, when they think of Heaven, think of it like life just as it is but happy. There's grandma and grandpa, etc. It's not going to be like that. We will not have bodies, we will not know our spouses in the same way…all of this is terrifying to me.
As my mind spins with fear, I get thoughts of rebelling against God for making us these little "puppets" these little insignificant things, exactly the pride issues that Satan fell with. This is also terrifying. I'm stuck between fears of Heaven and Hell.
When I get really stuck, even if I don't think the thoughts, they are still running in the background. I just got out of a terrible bout of a month or so, then started thinking about what I'd be like in Heaven and BAM, all the rebellious thoughts come flying in again.
I wish I had the scrupulosity versus these thoughts. My thoughts of "rebellion" go back and back into infinity. I try and calm myself saying let's be healthy or let's make wise decisions only to be tormented by what is "wise or healthy" is it something that God decides is healthy or wise…and more rebellion. As you see, I can't even explain what the thoughts are saying in my head very well.
I've also thought about how we are limited to the 5 senses and we can't create anything else outside of that. That one, however, doesn't lead me to panic.
I look at people, normal people who just worry about things like a car, or dinner that night and wish I could be like that.
I haven't heard of anyone with this version of Pure O, but I know people can relate to thoughts that never end. I did read once about a "philosophical Pure O."
I feel so stuck. I've had better times when the OCD was light or almost not there, and then it comes back with a harder question. I've had OCD now for 45 years. I think this was all triggered because I'm just beginning behavioral therapy for the first time. Up until now they tried only drugs which do usually help, but not when I really get stuck.
Thanks for listening.
That is a tough one. I never had the rebelious thoughts, but I did constantly fear going to Hell when I was a child. I was sickly and that just made my obsession and fear of dying even worse. I was so afraid that I would die and go to hell because I was a sinner. I had tremendous guilt over unknown things. So, the constant religious thoughts are something we have in common. As an adult, I have a hard time with religion. I can't get behind a belief system that is based in guilt and fear. I have enough of that on my own without the church telling me I should feel guilty for something, or making me feel like I am not good enough or whatever. The main things I remember about my childhood are fear and crushing guilt. I certainly don't need anyone else trying to push that on me now. Maybe in a way that is rebelling against organized religion.. I don't know. I feel a little scattered today and I don't think this is going in the direction I had planned when I started typing. Anyway, please keep posting and getting all of it out. We really do understand.
First of all, you are NOT alone. Religion is a tough one for us Pure O's. Really gets the old brain spinning (I was raised Catholic). Thoughts like "What if I'm not worthy of redemption?" or "I think I may have just committed a sin –I'd better get to confession ASAP." And I was little when I thought that one! Religion seems to prey on those of us with (dare I say it?) mental health issues. I think the idea of Heaven is scary precisely because it us forever. Infinity! How can our minds possibly comprehend that? What form will we take? What happens to our identity? Ceasing to exist (as we are now) is a terrifiying thought. Plus, think of the best vacation you've ever been on. No matter how great it was, you still wanted to return home, right? I wish that was the way Heaven worked. Visit for a while, then get a day pass to another realm. Of course, I don't think I'm Heaven-bound, which is a cause for plenty of rumination, discursive thinking and bad thoughts. And I've gotten angry with God, too. Why do good things happen to bad people and vice versa? Why are some of us burdened with OCD? Anyway, you sound like a good, decent person who happens to have Pure O. Your rebellious religious thoughts don't sound prideful. You're like the rest of us –scared, confused, and trying to do our best to figure this stuff out… DESPITE our OCD. Thanks for your post, it's made me feel less alone.![\"\"](\"/images/smile/emo/001_rolleyes.gif\")
This is crazy but I've never read other story that came as close to mine as yours does. You are truly not alone. I get the transplant thing. You feel shaken to the core and like the root of yourself is rejecting God. It is the hardest thing in the world. Or it sure seems like it at the time. I think we don't understand our own true feelings and that God will work them out. I think we have core issues that are frightened to be touched and our immediate response is fleeing mentally. This seems off topic but are you an animal lover? Have you ever encountered a frightened, hungry dog or cat? I think of myself as a frightened stray dog that is terrified to be approached, much less handled. I am unsure of the handler. But as a dog rescuer, I am patient, loving, and understand the dog's \”street mentality\”. I just hope gradually they will quick freaking out and just that everything is okay and that I'm worth trusting. I have to believe God is like that with us but even more so. If you would like to talk more I would love that. My email is smr1313@gmail.com. Thank you for sharing! I really identify with you.