That's it, I've lost my mind xD I haven't stopped washing my hands since my mother and her boyfriend left to go see his family – why? Not because I'm scared of germs, well there is that, I hate the idea of having little things crawling on me but anywho. It's the fact whatever I touch could be contaminated with bad luck. Like a bad aura about it, and I have to admit I did wash my hands in very diluted bleach today and then with some bathroom cleaner that kills pretty much most bacteria but it still doesn't help. My hands just feel so dry and crispy, not clean at all. I'm scared of bad luck from something someone has touch coming onto me and then hurting someone I love or hurting me. And I'm finally getting a buzz from doing my compulsions which is utterly amazing, but makes them more addictive. I haven't ever had a good feeling from doing something until it feels right but now when I do something that feels right it feels good. But only for a few moments, like the click of a finger and its gone. Just like that. Forgotten forever. I'm going to get some plastic gloves soon to save touching things and getting bad luck. I spent pretty much the entire day cleaning my room and the bathroom. Nice and tidy but it doesn't feel it, if that makes any sense.

 

I'm dreading tomorrow. I mean I don't want to be late again. Plus I haven't done my work because it has to be in groups of three and I can't do that but luckily my day starts at 9am and ends at 11:30am so not long in college and then I can get home. It's a different teacher to the one I had on Friday, this guy teaches Biology so he doesn't know about my OCD. Ugh and whenever I catch the train there's always this guy from my Science class that insists on sitting with me, and bless him I don't want to sound horrible, but he flirts horribly with me and I don't like it when people flirt with me, it makes me feel really uncomfortable. So I'm dreading that too. Also, he keeps giving me horrible looks whenever I do something OCD related. Plus my boyfriend is being utterly horrible about my OCD, he keeps telling me how much of a baby I am for complaining about it when he supposidly has it because he doesn't like people.

 

He loves people and to be quite frank until he has to spend hours in the bathroom washing his hands or panicking over one little number he has no opinion. Sorry, that sounds horrible and I'm not denying the fact he has got it too but the fact he's always horrible about mine just bugs me. Or maybe I do complain when I shouldn't….. I mean I should be able to deal with this quietly.

 

Sorry for my terrible rant and thankyou guys for all your comments, your all so very nice and I love the people here!~ Take care xx

1 Comment
  1. mollypop 12 years ago

     I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this, OCD really does suck. And it's especially crummy when the people you love just don't understand what you are going through, especially when they are downright insensitive about it. 

    Do you have a therapist you work with? I know it's scary, and often an awful experience, but they really can help get things back in order and help you function so much better. 

    Wishing you all the best!

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