I'm so thankful for places like these to get things off of my chest. Normal people can't understand. Most religious, scrupulosity OCDers fear doing a sin. Mine started out at the age of 12 of being afraid I wasn't "saved" (brought up Baptist) and I'd accept Jesus into my heart over and over all day, every day for years. I was terrified of the Holy Spirit "coming into my heart." To me it felt like laying on a hospital bed, the doctor being God who was going to transplant someone else's brain into me, i.e., I'd end up being perfect, which to me meant like being someone else or even just the thought of being perfect scares me half to death. Which starts the ruminating.
Most people, when they think of Heaven, think of it like life just as it is but happy. There's grandma and grandpa, etc. It's not going to be like that. We will not have bodies, we will not know our spouses in the same way…all of this is terrifying to me.
As my mind spins with fear, I get thoughts of rebelling against God for making us these little "puppets" these little insignificant things, exactly the pride issues that Satan fell with. This is also terrifying. I'm stuck between fears of Heaven and Hell.
When I get really stuck, even if I don't think the thoughts, they are still running in the background. I just got out of a terrible bout of a month or so, then started thinking about what I'd be like in Heaven and BAM, all the rebellious thoughts come flying in again.
I wish I had the scrupulosity versus these thoughts. My thoughts of "rebellion" go back and back into infinity. I try and calm myself saying let's be healthy or let's make wise decisions only to be tormented by what is "wise or healthy" is it something that God decides is healthy or wise…and more rebellion. As you see, I can't even explain what the thoughts are saying in my head very well.
I've also thought about how we are limited to the 5 senses and we can't create anything else outside of that. That one, however, doesn't lead me to panic.
I look at people, normal people who just worry about things like a car, or dinner that night and wish I could be like that.
I haven't heard of anyone with this version of Pure O, but I know people can relate to thoughts that never end. I did read once about a "philosophical Pure O."
I feel so stuck. I've had better times when the OCD was light or almost not there, and then it comes back with a harder question. I've had OCD now for 45 years. I think this was all triggered because I'm just beginning behavioral therapy for the first time. Up until now they tried only drugs which do usually help, but not when I really get stuck.
Thanks for listening.