I have given my time to the wrong people, but I didn't really care. I just wanted to enjoy myself until I disappeared. I still haven't managed to get my medication. Maybe because I don't think it was helping. Maybe at first it was, but I don't know what went wrong and nobody else seemed to know either. At least not the people I was seeing on a regular basis. I am not trust anyone. I expect people to turn on me so my "friends" are not really friends. I think I am just sick of dealing with this. The last five years has been worthless to me. Medications failing, what I thought were potential friendships, failing. Giving away everything because nothing that I had really mattered that much (not the first time). When I thought I was getting well, I wasn't. There were things going through my head that I was ignoring. Not on purpose. I was just so used to thinking about them that I wasn't really conscious of them anymore. Suicide is one of them. I don't think there are many days when I don't think about it in one way or another. Even when I was on medication. The reason I say that is because, one day I was talking to my father about life and how I wanted to go if I got sick. I am sick, but my father didn't see it that way. He was thinking physical sickness, like cancer or something. I never believed that things were going to work out the way everyone said they would. I have been told that most of my life and it has only become worse. My life that is. The small things that give people hope just make me sad. My life has been chaos for almost half a year now and even if there is another way out I don't see it lasting. Nothing does for very long. It just gets me to the point where I think I might be able to deal and then it all falls apart again. Like this spring when I went to school. Things seemed like they were getting better. I don't mean that I was feeling "happy". I was managing. I was hoping that this time I would make it. So much for that. Then I lost my appetite. I was hoping to get it back, thinking that it was just temporary, but in the end I lost a lot. For me that is not something new. I have had this kind of problem most of my life. So much so that I don't recognize it as a problem half the time.I don't know if it was the medication or the way I was dealing with stress. Although you would think that one would eat more to deal with stress, but I guess not). 

Now I may even be homeless. I had someone who I was (sort of) believing that they would give me their apartment when they left. That fell through. Apparently, they were using someone else in the same sort of situation I was in. However, the other person caught on and threw them out. Now he is staying in his place and I am almost up where I am. I had my doubts, but I think I have stopped trusting myself. I feel a little fear, but have mostly just given up hope. The resting periods between the chaos is getting shorter. 

I believe that there are those who think that I am causing this all on my own. Things start getting better and I choose to wreck them. I HATE those people. They make my life even more miserable. I can say that over the years I have found it easier to give up, but it usually takes something to set me off. I wish it could all end, but I am just not sure I can make it. I feel drained most of the time. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's more like FIRE!

I don't even feel comfortable writing this as I feel I am being judged on eveything I say all the time. Maybe it doesn't matter what anyone else says, but sometimes it does.


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