Well it is 1;31 am where I live and I can't seem to go to sleep tried the Xananx even with a couple of beers, Everything just makes me cry lately, So instead of sleep I moved my bedroom furiture around sure the neighbors love me right now,

Got the Ipod cranked up and my brian just wont shut down for sleep….All I can think of is my boys I walk past there empty rooms as it tears me apart and I still can't bring myelf to just shut their doors when they aren't here for the their weekend, They beolong in their rooms where they started off staying with me.

If my son hadn"t broken into my email he never would of found out about my boyfriend until I was ready for them to meet, Children their age always keep that hope alive that their parents will get back together, They don't understand that even though I have filed for divorce and the papers have been signed they still feel that I betryaed their dad, If they only knew…..

I decided that I wasn't going down that road of her said she said they are going through enough right now and trying to point the finger in the other direction is only sinking to his level yes I feel as if I am living in HELL right now but like everything eles this shall pass with time and we all know that time can heal all. How long it takes is up too them I still feel that even though I have signed the divorce papers that there is something holding on to me from moving forward.

If you would have asked me that question a few months back I would have said F*** it and I need to go on with it, Now I find myself ask questions to everything that I do, Even on the days when I spend 6 to 7 hours a day on the computer looking for a new job, My savings account is running low and although my ex is paying my bills still who's to say he won't wake up one day and say too bad for you.

At least I get my boys for this weekend and can stop the pitty party atleast for a few days pull myself out of the gutter I have feel in and put on a happy face. Knowing that when they leave me on Sunday I will be right back where I am tonight ROCK BOTTOM

1 Comment
  1. cynthiaz 12 years ago

    I've not been through what you describe. my world's been turned upside down in a different way. Just know my heart goes out to yu. and someone is out there feeling for what you are going through. Pain is pain is pain and never easy. the struggle of a lifetime. everyone suffers differently, but it is real suffering. Please take some solace that someone cares…I know it is no big deal, but it's real.

     

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