I’m so completely depressed and I let what other people do affect me as well and make me even more sad. All this time I have hated living. I can’t see any way out of this. I look forward to dying. I try so hard. I’m trying but I keep stumbling and it’s as if everything is braking me down. I can’t stop crying. I keep having these crying spells and the worst part is I have to be to work in a few minutes so I need to pull myself together. I’m so afraid of myself I don’t know what to do! I just feel like all it’s going to take is one big blow to push me over the edge. I want to die. I love art and writing. It is therapy to me, but it’s starting not to work anymore. All I find myself looking for other means of escape even if that mean taking pills that will make me sleep for half the day. The older I get the harder it seems for me to live and the more I want to die. I look forward to it. I guess I haven’t done it already myself because i’m trying to be strong and make it through and maybe part of me is always hoping things will get better, always trying to make things better and the don’t get better. I wish I knew someone who wouldn’t judge me, who would understand, and wouldn’t ask me to change, wouldn’t make me feel like I should change, and who would truely love me for who I am. My moods just keep swinging back and forth and it’s getting to be to much, I just want to scream but at the same time, i’m an artist and if I am put on medication that will block my artistic creativity and will only work against me, especially in school. I don’t know what to do anymore, part of me doesn’t care about anything anymore and the other part is trying to care. I don’t know who I know anymore and i’ve even managed to confuse my ownself into a bigger mess. My final day will be a beautiful one that I look forward to because this thing they call living, which has been my slow process of dying is beginning to hurt very very much. I’m trying and trying. People have said I have always been a determined person. I’m 23, i’ve been trying since I was 11 and i’m getting tired. I feel myself just existing now. People don’t understand that’s why I don’t bother to explain and just post a blog about it here. Life has become a heavy weight on my sholder that I just want to get rid of. Maybe I need to just find similar people like myself. Maybe that will help…I don’t know….I don’t know.

4 Comments
  1. thee_hen 13 years ago

    dear funeral_party,

    keep writing if you need to.  we *do * understand.  and we truly care.

    we do.
    patricia

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  2. sophiemine 13 years ago

    I don’t know if helps to know but my feelings of emptyness and ‘no hope’ are very similar to yours. One thing though, I only found some knowlegde on depression and then went for help and start trying meds/therapy when I was almost 30 and I always think that If I had knew before I would be much better now. So, what I mean is, you only 23, you’re are already informed about this disease, you have much to try yet before yours 30s so hang in there some more…and for starters you can you can scream your lungs out here. We are all strangers that do not know you and will not judge you and this gives us a freedom that we can not have with  friends and family.

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  3. jay 13 years ago

    i am a writer… and then i couldn't write… i'm on medication and it's helping me slowly regain my creativity… i hope that this helps you with making a decision… you don't have to be in pain and tired… i've felt like you since i was 12… and now i'm 31 and only now taking steps to help myself… don't give up hope…

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  4. esmerael 13 years ago

    There are no prizes for trying, for coping, for being strong, for being brave. But you are incredibly strong to have fought your way through this so long. I know depression pulls the joy out of everything and I know you must be worn out by it, but please try to hold on a bit longer. Even if it's just ten minutes. Even if it's just ten seconds. You really aren't alone. I am sorry it is so hard. Wishing you peace and strength.xxx

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