I’m so completely depressed and I let what other people do affect me as well and make me even more sad. All this time I have hated living. I can’t see any way out of this. I look forward to dying. I try so hard. I’m trying but I keep stumbling and it’s as if everything is braking me down. I can’t stop crying. I keep having these crying spells and the worst part is I have to be to work in a few minutes so I need to pull myself together. I’m so afraid of myself I don’t know what to do! I just feel like all it’s going to take is one big blow to push me over the edge. I want to die. I love art and writing. It is therapy to me, but it’s starting not to work anymore. All I find myself looking for other means of escape even if that mean taking pills that will make me sleep for half the day. The older I get the harder it seems for me to live and the more I want to die. I look forward to it. I guess I haven’t done it already myself because i’m trying to be strong and make it through and maybe part of me is always hoping things will get better, always trying to make things better and the don’t get better. I wish I knew someone who wouldn’t judge me, who would understand, and wouldn’t ask me to change, wouldn’t make me feel like I should change, and who would truely love me for who I am. My moods just keep swinging back and forth and it’s getting to be to much, I just want to scream but at the same time, i’m an artist and if I am put on medication that will block my artistic creativity and will only work against me, especially in school. I don’t know what to do anymore, part of me doesn’t care about anything anymore and the other part is trying to care. I don’t know who I know anymore and i’ve even managed to confuse my ownself into a bigger mess. My final day will be a beautiful one that I look forward to because this thing they call living, which has been my slow process of dying is beginning to hurt very very much. I’m trying and trying. People have said I have always been a determined person. I’m 23, i’ve been trying since I was 11 and i’m getting tired. I feel myself just existing now. People don’t understand that’s why I don’t bother to explain and just post a blog about it here. Life has become a heavy weight on my sholder that I just want to get rid of. Maybe I need to just find similar people like myself. Maybe that will help…I don’t know….I don’t know.