i feel so mixed up. i dont want to be at home anymore.
i hate it here. i feel so trapped, unwanted, useless, unnoticed, pointless, out-of-place, just eveything a person shouldnt feel./ whats the point of being in a place and feeling like this when im in a place im ment to feel safe; a place im ment to feel loved, accepted n wanted.
theres constant tension. always an argument waiting to explode. someone to blame, or accuse. fighting. always fighting. no wounder my dad choses a job that means he never sees us. he’s miserable. so am i. eveybody in this house is. i can hear the doors slamming. my step mum shouting "i hate you all" outside my door. i can hear her leaving the house- we all just stick to our bed rooms. each of us children coping with the anger, the constant dread and doubt about what will happen. eveyday we tip-toe around each other, around my step-mum; doing everythign we can to make sure she’s happy when she comes home. no thank you, or ‘the house looks tidy". nothing. between me & ross [&my dad alot of the time] during the week we clean the cooker, do the cooking, clean the table, do the hoovering [the house has 3 floors & 22 rooms and 5 animals; so its not like hoovering is an easy task] empty the dishwasher, feed an animals, tidy & change the sofer covers/cushions. on satday all she does is clean the bathrooms, n hoovers abit downstairs. we do so much. kate does go to work eveyday yea, so do all of us. me & ross are both at collage full time and have/gettin jobs.
anita does fuck all. i hate her. she’s just like her mum, just worse. a self ricious wanker, attention seeking whore, just filth. i hate her with such a passion. she fucked up my friday night. she’s made me into the crazy person. ahhh anger
i cut badly last night. all down my right leg with a shard of glass. it hurt so bad afterwards, but it felt so good. it hurts to walk abit, & i split the cuts open today by accedent today. they bled while i was at collage. & my brother n ollie saw the cuts. bad times.
toby n me are on a rocky road. i want to be with him so badly, but i cant help thinking he’s just using me. but aparently the reasons he keeps getting with me but not sleeping with me is becasue he does actually like me n he just wants a random fuck atm with out gettin attached, & if he sleeps with me he’ll get attached. he said to friend alex that he does really like me. she says he’s scared of screwing it up again. [we went out 2years ago, n i lost my virginty to him n he cheated on me n dumped me 10days later- just 4 days after christmas.] but ive forgiven him. i love him. i want to be with him. but he needs to clear his head, have some fun, be free n remember why he wants a relationship, so hopefully then we can be together.
life is so bloody hard. & on top of all this i have my psychology coursework due in on the 6th & ive done none; it counts for 1/3 of my A2 grade. shit! im behind in art, n photography. im screwd. PLUS- i have sooo much UCAS to do. applying to unis, doing all the filling in of forms, choosing courses, n personal statment shite. its stress & effort that requires more engery than i have right now. also- trying to get a job. & im being hassled about learning to drive. !!!!! i have nither the time nor the engery to even try learning. getting a job his hassle but i need the money. gay, my allowence is being cut. im out of fags. need more vodka & i have no weeed.
i need friday- im gona get high as a kite. off my rocket on herbs. float on a cloud of skunk- high grade crystaline skunk. yummy. make some fatty blunts. oooh i love it. my one pleasure in life. apart from fags n vodka. n maybe toby, alex, n ross. my mum & dad.
i miss my mum. she lives so far away.
i miss my dad. i live with him but he’s always workign funny hours, never really about for more than half hour/ 20 minutes. he lives in this distant world, keeps to him self- i can see that wen he is present in this life he is misrable, cold, hurting, lonly. i blame my fucking step mum. yes she has her problems- but she’s screwing my family up. her & her daughter. ross is fine. he jokes. love ross [my step-brother, only 4 months older] he’s like my best friend, twin, older brother, rave master, cigarette giver, chauffer, everythign i need lolol