So, if you had read my previous blog, I was pretty upset about my recent break up, but let me just tell you…I laugh at it now.
After some thinking, I found it silly for getting upset about it. And this is for several reasons.
1. Mandie, the girlJake dumped me for, she is pretty depressing with a dull personality. And I don't mean offense to her by saying that. Everyone I know agrees that she is. But anyway, I wondered if her personality was so dull, what made him interested in her? After some deductions, I came to the conclusion that Jake is interested in what many high school boys are interested in nowadays. Yes people, it's sex. So in conclusion, what Jake did not get with me, he is getting from her, because apparently she's been desperate to have him for a while as told by a source in my class. And it wasn't hard to figure out that she was practically in love with him with the way she giggled at everything he said and the way she paid attention to him. So yes, I actually feel kinda bad for her, because as far as I can tell, Jake isn't looking for anything serious and he's told me and several others " he doesn't see Mandie as a romantic interest." So basically, he's using her for the sexual stuff and from what I heard two days ago, she's definitely giving it to him.
And I am also troubled by this because a part of me wants to talk to her and ask her if she's okay and if things are going well and maybe to warn her or something like that. But then again, the other part of me wants to see her get a little hurt. And that's kinda what I hate about myself right now. I mean I feel bad, but its kind of amusing to me how she basically convinced Jake to break up with me and get with her and this is happening. Its also kinda funny how she avoids eye contact with me. We share a class together and she always avoids me. When I walk one direction, she'll quickly pale in the face and turn the other way. I'm not sure if its because I'm imtimadating or if its because she's scared I'll kick her ass or something. Truth be told though, I was tempted. Yep. Very.
2. Another reason why I found it silly to be upset is because I didn't need to waste my feelings on a guy like Jake. I wasn't even quite sure why I liked him in the first place. Sure, he was cute and all, but he was sarcastic, more than I am and in a bad way too, he wasn't very nice to some people, and he was stuck up, just like a lot of the people at my school. And if Jake was capable of not only lying to me and treating others badly, why the hell should I feel hurt about losing him? And he's lazy about his work and school and doesn't really have ambition and I don't like a guy with no ambition. I should be happy that he decided to leave me. And now I am. I just smile whenever I see him or when he walks around me and pretends not to see me, because I just know that I'm the one better off. He did me a favor.
3. It's freaking high school! This kind of shiz happens. I have the bad habit of having high expectations for everything, especially other people. I have no idea why I was expecting so much from someone and I always get bummed out when they disapoint me. But anywho, I realized that hell, I'm in my last year of high school, I have awesome grades, and I didn't need a measly hormone-raging male to make me happy.
4. I have a lot of great things going for me. Sure, I get hella lonely, but I'll get over it eventually because I know that in the future, I won't be. I have hope that things will get better in the future. And it definitely pleased me to know that I have good stuff coming my way while Jake and Mandie are gonna be stuck in this lame town. While Jake is sitting in a community college, I'll be livin' it up in a university with an awesome published book under my belt. Sure, he's got a job and a car, but I can get that stuff soon anyway. And please, he serves chinese food at a fast food place. Big whoop. So it makes me feel better that I'm better off than he is.
5. Lastly, I am a freaking tough girl. I have been through so much crap, most likely more than his privaleged butt ever has. So I can endure pretty much anything. And heck, I am who I am and there's no way I'm going to let myself break over something so trivial. Sure, it hurt a bit, but I'm doing pretty awesome now.
Kinda anyway. As forshadowed by the title, all is mostly well. My self-esteem is back up and I'm feeling good about myself, but that still doesn't mean that I don't have those random depressive moments. Like today. You know my day was going pretty good and then just on the ride home, it just hit me for no reason. I felt drained and sad, not looking forward to anything, pretty moody. And I had no reason for this either. And then my mom gets mad at me for it and whatnot and keeps saying, "Well you control yourself, so stop feeling sad." And dear god, I wish it was that easy.
And one last thing, I seem to be in a state of moratorium. Even though I'm set for a university, I just cannot seem to get my crap together. I am delaying a ton of shiz.
But other than that, things are good thus far and I'm looking forward to being amused by the Jake and Mandie situation. I am just very curious to see what happens. Its like watching a drama.