Well pretty much my whole life I have feel I am adopted or from another planet.  Maybe they are from another planet.  I have been down and depressed lately.  I need a Hip replacement, hernia surgery and just loss my only person in the past 20 years whoever got me.  I find that trying to live everyone’s idea of how weak I am because I have feelings and believe in more than just letting minutes, hours and days go by having emotions more than dirt so very tiring.  I know it must be me because as we all know people treat you as you have taught them to.  Just really tired of knowing what to do to make my life better but not having any support from anyone.  I know to gething rid of toxic people would make my life better but that would be the majority of my family.  I have removed myself several times from them but some always seem to follow.  Now I am in the position of helping take care of elderly mother who for the most part is one of the most negative people ever.  What to do?  Some days I hate being around her.  Then comes the guilt from it.  Am I suppose to want to be around her or am I obligated to do it?  Growing up was miserable because nothing I ever did was ever good enough.  How little things change over the years.  A person could hope, right?

The thing is that it has been so long since I have felt good and look forward to getting up the next day.  I really try hard and some days it works and for the most it doesn’t.  You can really tell my depression by how much weight I have gained over the last couple of years.  Nothing ever fills in the big black hole of nothingness.  Thus to heavy for hip and hernia surgery.

Hanging on today but not speaking to my mother due to us fighting today!  She doesn’t think I am in any pain either physical or emotional.  HARD TO LIVE WITH!