The doctor that I wanted to see today was of course out of the office until June 3rd. Once the office called back they let me know the doctor I wanted to see was no longer accepting new clients. Isn't that always the case? All the good ones are taken. So, I have my appt June 10th. I worry about the time between now and then. Because I do this . . . I have an absolute down day where I call off of work and I get all worked up and full of anxiety and say this is the end of the line, time to get off the roller coaster. Things start to feel better for a couple days and then I say "I got this, I don't need any assistance, I can do this on my own". Well, before I know it I'm right back in that same boat a couple weeks later feeling at the end of my rope and that I need immediate help.

I want to feel better, but I know I need to see someone to get there. My mind is a fickle foe though, I have to remind myself not to be tricked. Going is the right thing.

I know I have to go back to work tomorrow. I know that this torture I'm going through makes my attendance at work so spotty. When I'm there I work my ass off, but I know I'm not consistent. People that don't understand just think I'm trying to take advantage of the system. That's the hardest part about this sometimes. There are prying judging eyes everywhere and I just hate that it feels like I have to tell everyone what I'm going through.

I was on vacation from work the week before my miscarriage. I came back on Monday and then was out the rest of that week. I have had doctors appointments and missed time since then. A day of vacation. But that's all since March so I know how it looks to other people. I'm not oblivious. I definitely needed today to rest and clear my head. I feel better, but I just have to stop worrying so much what other people think.

I just hope tomorrow isn't as awful as it seems like it could be right now.