Today I was unable to log into DT. I think maybe the site is down. I found it interesting how upset I was. I have only been on this site for a little less than a month, yet I was rather upset that I couldnt log in. I took a little time to look inside and see if I could figure out why.
I joined this site because I had many crisis and I dealt with them well. I held myself and my family together through some seriously horrible events for many years. I was steel itself in the face of seemingly impossible circumstances. What nobody could see was that it was wearing me down. Then (due to many things) I allowed an abuser back into my life AND into my home. I was already so worn down from years of holding everyone and everything together. The abuse tore me apart and destroyed me. I couldnt keep everything together anymore. I couldnt keep the act going. Everyone left me. Everyone. From my past I already had a very hard time trusting people. My whole childhood I had learned that I could only rely on myself. Then, when I needed people the most, everyone stepped back or left because I could no longer be the steel spined, fixes everything Steph. I needed for the first time since before grade school. I needed love, support, understanding, care, help, consideration. Nobody in my life was willing or able to do that for me.
I hit rock bottom. I had a plan for dying. A fool proof plan that wouldnt fail because I would hate to attempt and fail. I figured out how to make sure that nobody I loved would have to be the ones to find me. The only thing that I couldnt figure out was how to make sure the kids understood. How to make sure that they didnt feel it was their fault or that I didnt love them. I just couldnt figure out how to make sure they would be ok. I really really believed they were better off without me, but I couldnt figure out how to make sure that they wouldnt be hurt by my dying. That was all that kept me safe (two seperate times).
I was in therapy at the time, sort of. However, I couldnt trust her enough to open up and tell her much. So she was unaware of how bad things were. She was unaware of how bad my depression really was. At least I had a little support from her though. My husband and I were having serious problems before all this but this made it worse. I nearly left him. He decided that if we moved away from toxic family and he got a job that was less stressful and less hours it would help us save our marriage. So we moved but it hasnt went smoothly at all. I lost the support of the one friend I had, and the support of the therapist. We dont have a house, we are living in a one room extended stay hotel room. I was having a very hard time dealing with everything. I needed help still. I am not any better than I was. I still need love, support, understanding, care, help, consideration but I am not getting it. So, I searched the internet and found DT. Thats why I joined. Thats why it was so hard for me today when I was unable to log in. I log into this site when I am at my whits end and I am deserate for love, support, understanding, care, help, consideration. Often times I find just enough to keep me going. I am still terrified that if I were to truly let people here see my pain and my deep sadness/dispair…., well Im terrified they would take several steps back away from me. Its happened all my life. I've seen it a bit here too. If I am happy and cheerful people want to talk with me.
Sometimes things dont go the way that I want and sometimes thats a good thing. Today I couldnt log in so I had to take sometime to figure out why that bothered me so much. I really hope someday to be able to be myself, to show my pain, and still….inspite of that pain….find love, support, understanding, care, help, consideration. Someday…