Part of my problem in not socializing/dating is my not liking the way I look.

I have always been overweight. There was a 'least-overweight' time in my life (my late teens, early twenties) when I was probably only 10 or 15 lbs overweight. During that time I remember feeling like I was attractive, wearing white jeans and a white shirt (it was the late 70s :). I can remember that night when a couple of gals my age seemed to take notice of me, and I assumed from the looks that they thought I looked good… maybe hot? (I find it really weird to even think that anyone would think I looked 'hot'). Didn't matter… even at 18/19 I didn't know what to do with those looks they gave me outside of just smiling to myself and walking on.

As years wore on, I tended not to care for my appearance… why bother? My internal beating on myself convinced me that no one would want me anyway.

I was chatting with my friend on the phone 2 days ago and for a change we talked about me (little passive agressive there, but we generally do only talk about her problems). She brought up the importance of putting our best foot forward. If you want to meet and strike up a conversation with someone, you don't have to primp and preen, but good grooming, and decent clothes do make a difference.

Then yesterday, I saw an episode of "How I Met Your Mother' where Robin was depressed and looked frumpy and dishevled. Her appearance repelled people. Seemed to be the cosmos talking to me.

I need to take better care of my appearance to be more attractive to others, but mainly to be more accepting and loving of my own body. My weight is something that needs to change for both my mental and my physical health, but my body is a good ol' workhorse that does have lots of positive attributes. I think some of those attributes would be considered attractive to the other sex, but the way I dress, groom and present myself would scare off droves.

Maybe I'm being vain, but I don't think so. Maybe I'm weird for a guy, but guess I'm getting too old to give a sh** what others think about me… I gotta be comfortable with myself, so maybe treating my outside the same way i'm trying to treat my inside is something I've got to do.

Hope this doesn't sound like an illogical ramble, but it is what it is.

Peace

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