I am feeling very lonely today. Really for a while now, but I think im starting to notice more. I can feel it in my stomach. Its a dull sort of ache; almost want to throw up. My anxiety has isolated me, and it is just getting worse. I have found some friends from high school on facebook, and reading there profiles and walls is making me bitter. One of them, becca, doesnt want anything to do with me. She was my best friend many years ago, and she said talking to me again is bringing the past back that she is trying to forget. She said she doesnt want to talk to me. All my friends from that previous life have normal and successful lives now. They are married, have college degrees, have careers, there own home, 2.5 kids. It makes me feel bitter, but mostly very alone. They left the past behind them, simple as that. Well, if my past only consisted of my party days in high school, I could have forgotten it by now too. Unfortunately, my past is still in my present. It has shaped who I am and who Im becoming. Ive been in a cival war; a 34 year long war between the two me's. My illness; severe depression and PTSD ran my life for many years. They were winning the war. I have battle scars from cutting and from burning. Scars from being in a coma for 3 1/2 weeks. A tiny scar on my neck from the trach they put in to help me breathe. Neuropathy in my limbs from being asleep for almost a month. A confused brain which could not and still can not remember the overdose that put me there. Now I have my OCD. The final battle. The thing is, im afraid of letting go of that last piece. It is the only way I feel like I control my life. I know what to expect with my OCD. I have a love hate realationship with it. It gives that comforting sense of control when I do my compulsions; when I obey my rules. Its all a lie; the control the OCD promises us. The truth is im really out of control. The more I succomb to my obseessions to try and gain more control, the more out of control I become. I almost feel like im "posessed", only not by a "demon" but by my OCD. All those "normal" people on my facebook can go screw themselves. I really hate facebook, and all the social networking that came before it. Facebook has only made me feel, no wait, not feel- made me know how strange and different I am.

2 Comments
  1. RandomGirl 9 years ago

    I totally understand. Totally. Even t hough it's been X number of years it is so hard to not compare your life with the lives of those we went to school with.

    I'm here if you ever feel lonely.

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  2. estellecollins 9 years ago

    thanx i will go to the chat box now

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