I hope I'm not boring anyone with the constant blogging yet. I've always found getting my thoughts out in writing has helped me sort through my thoughts and feelings, and with luck, someone else can identify with what I'm going through.
Last night was a little rough. As I mentioned yesterday, I forgot to take the clonazepam all day (my prescription is for .5mg twice a day), and I was a little nervous that I'd suddenly be seized with panic once the last dose I'd taken had fully worked its way out of my system. With that in mind, I took one just before bed. Unfortunately, I think something went wrong. I climbed into bed, and from the minute I laid down, I started to dream. I don't know if this has ever happened to anyone else, but I think I go through very rapid stages of sleep – sometimes I start having dreamlike thoughts while I'm still awake, from the moment my eyes close. This time, I felt like I was dragged into a very heavy sleep, almost as if I were comatose. From the beginning, I knew I was dreaming, and I was struggling to pull myself out of it. I dreamed that I woke up and started wandering around my bedroom in the dark, only to actually wake up and find myself still laying in bed. I also went through a few brief episodes of sleep paralysis, which I've had a handful of times in the past – it's always been a terrifying experience. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt almost as though I were drowning. Thankfully, the feeling passed and I slept fine until this morning.
I haven't really had harmful thoughts within the past few days (images in my mind of hurting anyone, that is), although I do still have fears that I'll end up hurting someone, or that I don't care about other people as much as I should. When I get these thoughts, though, I try to remind myself that the only time I worry is when I over-think things. Typically if I just relax and let life happen, things turn out fine. It's trying to keep up those reminders that's the challenge.
Tonight I participated in one of my favorite pasttimes – I went out to a café and worked on my writing. I sat and absorbed the busy atmosphere while researching Elizabethan London (I'm writing a historical fiction) and reveling in all the exciting details I was thinking of adding to my story. On my way home, I listened to a stand-up comedy album in the car (John Pinette, for anyone who might be interested) and felt content and at ease. While I didn't make an official resolution for 2011, I decided months ago that I really wanted to work on finding more happiness in life. While I know not every day is going to be this easy, I feel as though at least for today, I succeeded.