This is my first blog ever. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I have Alzheimers'. I used to have a phenomenal memory, I could remember patients at a place I had only been once: go so far as to remember what color thier pill would be at noon. I worked as a agency nurse for years. People would even comment saying things like "How many times have you been here, and you remembered so and so?" Sometimes the the answer was "Once" or "Twice". But those days have long left me. Now it's barely remembering what the customers last 4 numbers of thier credit card are to key in my register at a local home improvement store!!! And god forbid, if after I tender thier amount in the register, they decide to give me  change; as to lessen the amount of change I'll give back to them to jingle in thier pocket or weigh thier purse down! The anxiety is overwhelming. My face flushes, my heart races, my chest pounds,I want to dissappear!! OMG!! I already gave them thier receipt!… how much did they give me…are my supervisors seeing me "dying inside" "If I look up is the  customer rolling thier eyes" ?"What are they thinking?" "They think I'm dumb, tremendously STUPID" They don't know I suffer from anxiety!!! Is it the depression? The anxiety?,The PTSD? I want to just crawl under a rock!!!! Will I ever be normal again?? EVER?? What's happened to me???!!!! If I took medication, would that help?? Would I then not have to set my timer on my phone to go take  my break, because I won't remember what time I clocked out unless I write it on my hand??!!

A couple of years ago(specific year, escapes me, imagine that) I had an MRI and some in depth memory testing done(had insurance then) I was then diagnosed with PTSD in addition to anxiety and depression. I guess it's pretty bad when you take the memory test and the Neurologist asks you after being asked to draw the shapes as you see them on a page and copy or transcribe them onto another…."Is there any particular reason why you did what you just did?" He wanted to know the rationale behind what I did.. the thing is; I didn't know what I did "wrong"! He told me in twenty something years he has yet to ever see a patient do what I did!! I still didn't know what I had done wrong!! Apparently, after seeing a picture of a circle inside a square and a triangle, I drew a separate circle, a separate square, and a separate triangle!! I have no idea why. Now I know that I tend to over analyze everything(afterall, I am a Type A), but why did I do that??!!

Is it the diagnosis? Will it ever get better?Is the old me gone forever?? I can't get organized, why can't I pick anything out ??? ANYTHING??!! Flowers? Curtains? Air freshener for the car? A vacuum cleaner?? A knick knack for the house? An outfit?? Why must everything take an hour to choose? Why do I have to display everything  in the store ( like on the shelf,etc.) and find thatteach is a slightly different shade, or have imperfection in it??  I don't know if this is beyond the realm of my diagnosis!! Is it OCD?? It's destroying my life!!!  Hearing those words from everybody (even the ones who love me) JUST PICK ONE!!!!!! IT"S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL!!!! It's just a ( ie. air freshener, rug, rose bush, etc.)!!!!!  I took this job just to get benefits. Parttime, but I work like 30 hours per week, just to find out that my health benfit has like a $2500 maximum benefit!!! I'm afraid if I go back on something that I'll hear " your so cold, it's like you don't care about anything" "What's happening to you"? Please anyone, please give me some advice. I have NO ONE!! No friends, no family support!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really don't want my kids to KNOW how F****ed up I am!!


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