I just ate lunch, and now i’m feeling quite sick.

I look at other peoples blogs, and wonder how they can write so well. I’m not a poetic person, i’m not creative, i’m just.. nothing.

I have moved my laptop from my bedroom to the lounge room, so I can watch tv at the same time, but i’m not actually watching it. Where i’m sitting, i’m facing the window, with the christmas tree in front of it. We have a black christmas tree is black, maybe thats why christmas is feeling bleek.

Out the window, i can see paddocks, and then Mt Wellington. There is a part of the mountians foothills, that looks like a sleeping lady. It looks amazing. There is a road I can see too, people coming and going, going on with thier lives. The world seems to be in slow motion today. The trees seem to be swaying slowly. When i move, it feels like i’m just on a crawl. Maybe it will come to a stop. What would happen if the world was to just STOP. Would everything be better? Would we continue to live our mellow lives. Trying to please everyone, yet not pleasing ourselves?

I have always wanted to live in the country, away from civilization. Just me on a block of land, a few animals. a husband and kids. I don’t think it would ever happen, but one can hope right? I’d love to just go out into a field of flowers and just lay there. Watching them sway in the breeze, with only the sounds of nature to distub me. I love flowers. I love to just smell them.

Thinking about flowers has made me want to go to the Royal Botanical Gardens that is in town. I have loved going there ever since i was a litte kid. Not sure why, just do. There is lots of open grassy areas where i used to go and read books. Then as I started getting struck down with my depression, I started taking alcohol there, hiding it in drink bottles, as it was against the rules to take alcohol into the grounds. How stupid of me to take something so toxic into a place soo beautiful.

When i started drinking I would call into work sick, and leave the house, so mum would think i was going to work, then go by alcohol and sit in my car at beaches or at the gardens or wherever i wanted to. i had 8hrs to drink as much as i wanted, and never get caught. This one time i went to this look out, drinking, when this guy got out of his car, and came over to mine.  He knocked on my window. I freaked out, i locked the doors and started the car. As i started the car, he ran over to his, and started his too. This man was probably about 40.  I sped down the hill, with him following me every where i went. I was soo scared. I went down onto the highway, where i finally lost him. My heart was beating a million miles an hour. I didn’t go back to that lookout for the rest of the week. I eventually went back, and he was there again! i didn’t stop this time, i kept on going, and he followed me again. I got my phone out, but i couldn’t call the police cause id be charged with DUI.

You would think something like this would scare me out of not drinking, but it didn’t. After that time, i went to this new spot, started drinking like mad, and ended up passing out in my car. I finally remembered to txt my mum and let her know that i was staying at a friends place, when i was actually staying in my car, on the beach.  Looking back, there are soo many times where i was soo close to getting myself into trouble when I was drinking. There was another time when I started wandering off from my friends when we were drinking, and this cab driver pulled over and offered me a lift for free. He took me into town, into a secluded unlit area, and put his hand on my thigh, and then moved it up. I was frozen. He told me that he was going  to Fk me as payment for the fare.,  He leant over to kiss me, and i jumped out of the car and ran as fast as my legs would take me.  I never reported it, not that there was anything to report really. I have never told anyone about that night.

There has been many times where drinking has got me in trouble, but I don’t have the strenght to write about them right now.

Sometimes i think that if he did end up attacking me that night, I would have deserved it.  I spent that night, sleeping on a bench in town.

Is it possible that an event from the past, effects our future more than we can even imagine?  Do things i have done, in the past define me? Do things that were done to ME define ME?