Well, I got my wish yesterday. My husband had supposedly gone to get rock salt for the water softner, but he was gone an awfully long time for that. I started to get really worried that something had happened to him, but in the back of my mind something whispered "He's at Michelle and Mike's". I tried to call him but it went to voicemail, then I eventually texted him. At that point, he texted me that he was "home".

He asked me to come out front, so I did, assuming that he wanted my help in moving the bags into the garage. But actually it was because he had in fact stopped at Mike and Michelle's house and talked with them. This really angered me and hurt me, maybe because it felt like betrayal to me, because I was the only one left out ~ and I just started to shake and yell at him and cry. I didn't want to hear anything he had to say, so I went to my bed and curled up around a pillow and just let the molten tears burn down my cheeks. At that moment I wouldn't have minded dying or letting go of everything, I just didn't want to hurt anymore.

Aaron came in and sat on the bed next to me, and laid a hand on my cheek and wiped away the tears time and time again. He quietly told me that he had stopped by to offer them some fresh-picked peaches he had bought at a roadside stand, and they had asked him to come in. From what I remember listening to him ~ I guess Michelle and Mike had a hell of a week dealing with Corey and his Dad. And since they didn't have the kids this weekend, she and Mike realized they were drifting apart and needed to spend time together regrouping and coming back to each other. Aaron kept saying "They are in NO way mad at us or you, Keya". But I don't believe it. I won't believe it until I hear it from her herself.

I cried harder and told Aaron that I just wanted to stop caring about other people because I'm tired of getting hurt so badly. I want to close myself off and let no one in again. I don't know if I can even get close to them again after all this happens and they do come back to us after someof the stress is over. There's too much anger in my heart now that I've realized it's there to just let go of it. And the anger has turned into mistrust, because to me a friend would talk with me if she's upset with me, or upset at all and would keep me in the loop. She's sent a couple of random texts to me, but nothing really in it.

Aaron also said they're at a breaking point with Corey because now that Corey's as old as he is, the judge will ask him who he wants to live with, and inevitably he will say his Dad, and usually the court sides with the child. So even if they DO try to gain custody of him, they will have to prove that Warren is a harmful influence on him. And since DCF never showed up at the house, there's no proof of anything except that Corey perpetrated Zachary.

I'm so sick of thinking of all of this. I just want to wipe the last month from my memory altogether. Just let it all slip away on the winds and carry it far away from me and my family. And that's what I've realized more than anything ~ that this has been a learning experience, and what I've learned more than anything is that my family is everything to me, especially my son, and we don't need other people because we have each other. Sometimes that doesn't feel like enough though.

As of yesterday, I don't really have anything to say to Michelle. If she wants to call and talk she can, but I'm keeping her at a distance. Maybe I am a fool for forgiving her for the things she's done in the past, but I knew why they happened. And knowing changes things, because you feel understanding and empathy. But where's the return on the empathy here? I know she turns inward when she's upset or stressed, but I feel like she's being really selfish. I want to stand up and yell "What about ME?!!!". Or even more so, "What about Zachary?!!!".

I think Mary's right ~ they probably are embarrassed. Okay, I get that. But now I'm realizing that I need time too. I need space to let go of my anger before I deal with either of them. And anger's okay as long as I don't let it eat me and I work it out. But the longer she stays silent, the worse the anger and hurt get. So I'm going to try to pray about it, to ask God for help in getting through this and have room in my heart for forgiveness and love.

I was supposed to have a violin lesson this morning but I'm so tired from a horrible night's sleep that I just can't do it. I called them about an hour ago to let them know I was cancelling. At first I felt bad about it, but then I realized I needed to take care of ME and Zachary first, so that's what I'm doing.

I watched the dawn this morning while it rained. I'm still upset and having a hard time will all that I'm feeling. Somehow the gray dawn mixing with the raindrops felt right.

As for the other friend I had made that Andie mentioned that also has bipolar disorder ~ she is a sweetheart, but she's a complete wreck. I can only spend so much time with her without feeling completely drained of energy. I also have suspicions that her "boyfriend" (whom she can't stand) is also dealing drugs out of the house. I'm not sure I want Zachary there for any real length of time. I think Josh is going to have to start sleeping over here instead, or we'll just meet up for afternoons together once or twice a week away from the house.

So at this point, as far as friendships with people that live near me, I'm very tentative about. Why is it so hard to find friends?

I'm so glad I have my friends here at Dtribe because I think I would lose my mind otherwise. Being here and seeing the responses and comments make me realize that I DO have friends ~ and that the friends here only wish me the best and want the best for my family and I. So thank you to all of you out there that care enough to leave a post or a message. You're loved and thought of too.

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 9 years ago

    Dear keya, I think I've been misunderstood. I  think Michelle needed that time to handle herself and her relationship with Mike before she could deal with good friends. You, yourself, in today's blog expressed how important it is to have trust and bonds with ones' nuclear family before one can deal with friends. This is a basic truth. Michelle and Mike had to heal their issues with each other first.. Why

    the anger that  she did this?  Is it because this is not the only reason for the upset?  Maybe the last issue compounded previous issues that were not resolved at all?

    I do not think you were left out of anything; or the last to know.  I do think , however, that you are overwrought and ruled by previous assumptions which may not be operating in the present situation.  Hugs Mary

    0 kudos

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