Have you ever heard that saying, "It's better to remain silent than to open your mouth and remove all doubt"? I feel like that was me yesterday…I don't mean to sound ungrateful for those that commented on my blog but it still haunts me. I was able to keep the "secret" safe for a year and now, in my last year at the college, I had to "remove all of the doubt" so to speak.
What little courage I had going to that group and being honest is Gone!! I don't think I can go back. I my defense, there is a group ON campus and they meet Monday night–which is better for me. I can avoid all of those that were present last night and start over. I'll start by KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT!!!!! I'm an introvert, I should act like it.
I'm past caring how bad this sounds. I would post on my social media account my feelings IF I knew that group of people were ones I'd never see again. But alas, I walk the same ground as many of them. I know of one guy who was not there last night–oddly enough the one I kind of like–but I'm sure he'll find out what transpired in time. After all, the goup is very close–excluding me of course–I seem to be the last to know things like birthdays and such. And I probably wouldn't even know that if I wasn't friends with some of them on a social media site. Part of me wants to unfriend all of them and make my profile as private as possible but that wouldn't exclude family from finding out. I've already made the mistake of posting my sad feelings on there in the past. I will be damned if I do so again.
I don't know if hearing that my previous math professor–who's class I did not pass–had depression for six years. I'd LOVE to see an end to this constant pain. But as the years pass and the number of them grows larger, I have begun to feel it will always be with me. After 10 years of the roller coaster, I'm beginning to lose all hope I will ever feel better. Maybe I should take this as a sign to go off my meds and deal with the constant storm. It's not like the medications are helping me. Or rather they don't help for long.
I'm out of time to vent my spleen. I have a mask to put on and two classes to fake my way through.