Annoyance, missery, lonliness

     I don't know where to start with this. First I want to say sorry to my friends on here. I never meant to ignore any of you, but I've been ignoring you all, and I'm so, so sorry. My sister is letting me use her computer, well more like a notebook, so I can finally go on here when I thought my friends would be. I'm so lonely. All I ever do is work now. I told on girl I'm friends with how good I'm doing and to a point it was true, financially, but I never go out with anyone. She hasn't written me back  either, and I can't blame her. I pretty much told her that I couldn't get on here because of my computer crashing back in April. My sister only let me recently start using her's, like today. I feel horrible doing that to my friend. I managed to e-mail her a few weeks ago and she never wrote me back. I know I probably broke some rule on here, but  I gave her my cell number and I don't think she contacted me on it. I'm not sure because I did get a call trhat came up as restricted, the onlycall I've gotten in at least 2 months on it.The one before hat was just a co-worker asking me what I did with the drill. I think I pretyy much p#$@^d off the only friend I managed to keep in contact somewhat with and feel horrible about it. I think part of my problem was that I latched too much on her. Her and  had been through, to a point, similar experiances. Not so much what happened, but how no one would believe either of us when we told we were being abused. I'm not about to say anything about hers on this blog, but my old man beat on me, but what hurt more was him saying I was stupid, an a-whole, worthless, a mistake. What's even worse is that even though it was only him being a dick, I believed him, so I never finished college, don't think that I could ever get a beatifull, kind decent woman for a gilfriend, so I usually try for the fat, desperate ones. Truth is I am that loser now that he called me all the years growing up. Because of that, who'd wantme anyway? If I don't feel like I'm worth anything, who else would either. I wish I was desperate enough to kill myself. People think that killing yourself is the worst possible thing you could do, but being in turmoil between what you think is true, and hoping that your pathetic worthless existence will imporove is even worse because you don't get better at all, you just survive. aOne way or nanother it will end for me. Either I'll somehow get better, or I'll finnally put that knife through my chest. Either would be an improvement over how I am now. If my friend I was more specifically talking about earlier see's this, I'm so, so sorry.

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