Where to begin? I’m one of those people that is so lucky. I have a couple of people in my life that care about me, yet I always feel alone. I always feel like I have to fake it through my day. As a kid I was quite sheltered from the bad in the world and was surrounded by a ton of good (by most people’s standards). When I was kid I always felt my feelings more than everyone around me. I cried easier (still do), but somehow seemed to enjoy life. Things seemed to come easier to me. I was the big girl, but I didn’t let it bother me. People called me names occasionally, but I was surrounded by my friends, family, parents, or teachers. I wasn’t really bullied. I sang, played sports, was outside all the time, and I played my heart out.
I remember my first panic attack. I was in the 5th grade, I believe. I realized we all die. I knew we died before that, but that was the turning point in my anxiety. I realized I wouldn’t know this precious thing called life which included my father, mother, brother… etc. It was a traumatic time for me. I was young, though, and eventually realized I still had to live my life. I still had to carry on. So, I tried to be that nice person that people looked up to or wanted to be associated with. I didn’t want to be alone. Yet, I still felt alone.
High school came and went. Friends moved and I kind of became this hermit to the world with friends and even my family. I lived with my parents at this time. I was 18. Most kids would be having the time of their lives or (if you were where I lived) people were having babies my junior (11th) and senior (12th) year. I was doing none of that. No dating. No friends. I wasted a year in my room with my computer trying to make “internet friends”. Online relationships that would expire faster than I could type. It was kind of an unhealthy way to live.
I eventually enrolled in College (University) and graduated. Made some friends, but I was never one for partying. I met a really great person that became a friend. We would loose touch, but reconnect a time or two. Then, I would get married.
I met a guy online. Eharmony. I never told anyone we met online. We told everyone that we met at my brother’s Turning Blue Ceremony (ARMY). So, it turns out my future hubs was in the Army. This big tough guy. I felt safe instantly. It was like we were meant to be. We would get married, he’d get deployed, and at the end of deployment we got an apartment. I was so happy. The happiest I had ever been.
Years would pass and his mom moved in with us. This will be saved for another blog. She would move out. I would have a couple of miscarriages and eventually quit a job I was doing really well in. I seemingly had everything and then all the sudden I felt so empty. It is so hard to shrug that feeling off. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like everyone is routing for you but not succeeding. It’s been just a bit over a year since I’ve had a job.
So, right now, I’m stuck in this strange cycle of empty failure. I feel like I constantly fail myself because I just can’t pick myself up again. I’m trying so hard, but its rough. At the same time, my husband struggles with PTSD and depression. We are so great at communicating with each other, but its hard to pick each other up when we are both in the empty failure state. Love gets us through. Some days are rough, but “Life is rough, so you gotta be tough.” – Johnny Cash.
For myself, I am going through some kind of thirties life crisis. I don’t know where to go from here. I seriously feel like I’m stuck. I always doubt myself. I think maybe I’m living in regret because some of the big things I thought happened in my twenties just simply didn’t. I kinds feel like I peaked in High School and I’m just stuck in this empty vortex of self doubt.
I want to not be anxious. I want to force myself out into the world. Right now, my world is my house. I am a very “blessed” person with family and a few friends that just won’t let me drown myself in this. At the same time, I still feel alone and empty. I don’t want this constant feeling. I want to be that happy little kid again. The one who had dreams she fought for and did something with. The world is scary and overwhelming. How do I get past the front door.
I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t condone what I am doing to myself. I’m owning it. I feel like with this blog post I can release all of this and change the way I live my life. I want to be happy and successful. I just need to do it.
Since this was such a meh blog post, here is a sweet ending. When I’m feeling down, I have this this guy to cheer me up.