As this day begins, I am reminded of the date, August 18th. Today would have been my Grandma Jean's 86th birthday. I know 82 was an old age to some but when your mother lives to be 95,I can't help but think my grandma had another 10 years on this earth…I know I dwell too much on things that can't be changed but anniversaries are hard for me. As the first anniversary of my grandma's passing camecloser in 2010, I broke down and cried at the Vocational school. I don't remember much of what the couselor told me but I do remember her being very understanding and sympathetic–unlike a counselor at my current college.
I asked my mom if we could honor my grandma in some way but then I began to wonder just how we could do that? As I recall, she didn't ever have a big appetite and she didn't really have a favorite color. I find myself frustrated that I can't recall any of these things. As I think about her, I remember her fondness for our first dog, Roscoe the pug. She did love him so much. We used to be able to tell Roscoe that grandma was here and he'd get so excited: looking for her and curling and uncurling his tail. She even had a few "pug" items: a stuffed animal on her bed, a Christmas ornament she gave us, three coffee mugs that my brother, cousin and I received for Christmas one year. I remember I got first choice of the mugs and I chose the winter pug mug–I do love winter. Luckily I still have the mug and everytime I see it, I think of her. Everytime I see the pug ornament, I think of her. So many things remind me of her: seeing Sign Language–she was deaf–hearing wise comments from fellow DT members–lol–and so many more things.
I still have times where I felt her family–including me–were cheated out of several more years with her. I fully expected her to become a great-grandma having seen at least one of her great-grandchildren. When that dream–or hope–came crshing down, I think I grew a little closer into adulthood. I realized life is sacred and unpredictable.
Grandma, I still think of you often, I miss you so much. I keep thinking of ways to honor you: naming a future child of mine with your first name, learning more sign language and becoming even closer to God, as you were. I feel the third option is in progress as is the second one and the third…well I hope that will come in a few years. Until we meet again, Grandma, I love you, miss you and think of you often.
All my Love,
Erin