Normally on this day, I would log into my multi player online game and find other people doing the same. I would not feel alone, this year I do not even have that to give me ease.
The online game has been a habit for the better part of 15 years. I had come to depend on it and it was a part of my life. I had started playing with my late husband, as the game site I worked for would not permit employees to play, which is understandable. After he died the game was my crutch and a way to still feel connected to him in some way. It was my social outlet where I felt safely hidden behind a keyboard. My email friend and I played the game together for the past five years but in October, I made the choice to cut myself free and try to focus on the real world and how I must learn to fit into it aside from working. I had found I was becoming what I thought was too emotionally involved with people I had never physically touched nor spoke to.
The weekends had been hardest after my email friend would go home and our connection severed for two days. My best real friend works week-ends so she was not around to assist filling the void, her days would be long and her evenings filled with the two young adult daughters. That and her chronic need to smoke drugs. I do not drink nor do illegal drugs and I do not abuse pharmaceuticals. My major depression is hard enough to work with and I do not need to add other chemicals into a system that is already chemically unbalanced.
On December 23rd, my email and former game friend suggested we get me back into the game and that he would foot the bill until I am working again. I relented and agreed. He was going to send me his credit card information and I am sure still will, however he left for the day before the information was sent. He left without telling me he was done for the day.
I had gotten my hopes up that I would have my account back up and running for Christmas. Hopes faded yesterday when I realized he did not go into work. The loneliness of yesterday was overwhelming and I feared to-day.
I had an interview very early in the morning yesterday, it did not go well in my opinion. The person interviewing me had not set up the appointment, his wife had while she was at their son’s hockey game and signed with her husband’s name. My prospective employer had no idea what position I had applied for, he had not seen my resume or covering letter and was not even aware an appointment had been scheduled. This did not instill confidence in me, but indicated a lack of communication, which is not good in a fledgling business. I need structure and some form of security to keep me from over stressing while I learn the team dynamic. The advertisement I had applied to had indicated “competitive wage”. Minimum wage with a share of the tip pool is not competitive.
I had the need to discuss the interview with a support person, but owing to the holidays, my usual supports were away, compounding my feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The perspective employer said they would be in touch by the 26th, I am hopeful I do not get the job offer as I am of the opinion it would be too much stress and do not want to turn the job down as at this time I really should take any position offered. However, I also do not want to end up as a blathering mess, unable to cope with the anxiety.
Last night I felt the weight of being alone. I missed the friends and family who are no longer with me. Moreover, I dreaded today, Christmas.
This morning I decided to call my girlfriend and take her up on her offer of at least spending part of the day with her. Sadly, it seems she still has not had her phone repaired and issue that has been outstanding for over a month, she unplugged her phone modem when she rearranged the living room to make room for the family she had planned to have over for Christmas Day. My phone has red tape that says, “Do not unplug”, she had lost the directions for resetting the phone modem and I could not locate the “reset” button. I usually meet my friend after work and walk with her to her home, which is less than 5 minutes away thus eliminating the need for using a phone. She sets up a time to meet people at the door if anyone is coming over, as even her intercom system does not work for some reason although she has never been clear on why. I do not push the issue, not my place to. She has said we should “just know” when one of us needs the other. As I write this, I am remembering other things she has said and starting to see a “flakey” pattern forming. I must keep in mind that I am also not in a good place and my view will be slanted.
Yesterday I tried to keep my hands and mind busy. I made stuffing, stuffed my turkey, and precooked the carrots that will be coated in brown sugar and peel the potatoes.
The turkey is in the oven cooking slowly. Despite being, alone I am making Christmas dinner. I am showered, dressed and have my non-smoking patch firmly planted on my upper arm. I will get through this day as I have every other day. I will blog if that is what it takes, I am strong, I have made it this far in my life and will see it through to its natural end.